My GPS told me to drive up an off-ramp to get onto a highway going the wrong direction so I’m going to pass on getting into a self-driving car, thanks.
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“If you love something, set it free…”
Unless it’s a man…
Cause he’ll get lost…
And you know he won’t ask for directions…
god: welcome to heaven, bob. today we reunite you with your soulmate
bob: karen!
god: karen? your soulmate is a japanese farmer named oshi
“Bob’s here”
Bob from work or Bob THE HARBINGER OF DEATH
*an icy wind blows as black clouds consume the sky*
“Bob from work”
*clouds recede*
Nothing freaks me out like trying to remember which brownies I packed in my son’s lunch box
I have a book to read on
overcoming procrastination.I bought it in 2007.
My prescription isn’t ready, so three toddlers at this pharmacy just learned the F word.
Me: What did you do at preschool?
3-year-old: We had to color inside the lines the WHOLE time.
Me:
3-year-old: I need to lie down.
*ruins your party with a can of Serious String*
Therapist: you’ve finally learned to stand up to people, well done
Me: thank you
Therapist: now you need to pay my bill
Me: no
I am a person who wants to do a lot of things trapped in the body of a person who wants to sleep a lot.
How to stop Facebook Live and Marketplace notifications:
1) Open Facebook app
2) Go to Settings
3) Throw your phone into a river
😂😂
If god didn’t like sex, He wouldn’t make us scream His name when it’s really hot.
lookin for a quick and easy way to beef up that scrawny bod and really turn some heads at the beach? float dead in a lake
I’ve been in Hawaii for a week & have learned that 99% of life’s problems can be solved by throwing a coconut at it
If my Fitbit really wanted me to be more active it would tell me there’s food at my door.
[overhears girl at work crying because her grandad & her dad died this month]
Me: not all men are like that
him: I’m like the potato of people
me: lumpy
him: no, I-
me: covered in dirt
him: god dammit
Just got off 30 min phone call w a friend who has twin 2 yr olds, & even tho i havent had sex in a week I’m taking a morning after pill NOW.
*94K tweets later* I’m really a very private person
I can’t grow a hair on my head but overnight I can grow a four inch long single eyebrow hair
“Punch it bro, the lights gray.”
Most of my trips into Home Depot are to fix something that I screwed up after my previous trip to Home Depot.
when there’s an awkward silence during a date i start combing my hair with a fork like the little mermaid.
Hotdogs contain nitrates that literally shave time off your life. Do you need any more proof that they are the ideal food
Maybe my threats will be more effective if, after I mentioned all the people I’ve killed, I don’t say, “in RuneScape.”
Hubs: * Hands me a broom* Make yourself useful
Me: Flies away
Being an adult is like being a paper clip. Everyone knows you’re twisted, but you’re expected to hold a lot of things together.
[an octopus seeing a snake for the first time]
OMG a foot!
I can’t come into work. I opened a cursed sarcophagus and now I gotta put a pharaoh’s soul to rest. I DUNNO, TAD, I’LL PROBABLY BE IN MONDAY