Give me Players for $500 Alex
“When you lose the game because you don’t have any moves”
What is checkmate?
“Wrong! What is your sex life”
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*sees cute doctor in scrubs*
*falls over* HELP! I need mouth-to-mouth!Doc: …
Me: Aren’t you obligated to help?Husband: GET UP!
*gets lockjaw when putting on eyeliner*
Me: Dad, how did you guys manage without WhatsApp and SMS ??
Dad: We used to keep useless information to ourselves.
Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.
Something about watching Catfish makes me wanna catfish someone so bad and I don’t think that’s what they’re going for
doctor: you’re going to di-
me: disney?
doctor: no
worst…sale…ever
me: lord if you’re up there, give me a sign
booming voice from above: LOG OFF
me: that could’ve been anyone
Smart cars are what happens when Optimus Prime gets drunk and has sex with his vacuum cleaner.
It just occurred to me that you could substitute Miranda rights for wedding vows. Verbatim
I am just a girl, standing in front of the laundry, hoping it will wash itself.
CASHIER: okay, so your total comes to $13.82, have a nice day
ME (have spoken English literally every day of my entire life):
THANK
Ah, tax refund season again. I wonder which appliance will break this year?
A man at a cemetery for Titanic victims claims to have taken a photo of a ghost. The ghost reportedly said “there was room for two people.”
That awkward moment when your doctor tells you that you have tennis elbow from repetitive hand motion and you don’t own a tennis racket ….
I need 52 continuous 7 day weekends
Sorry kids, if Santa were real he’d have a podcast by now
Dear lady arguing w/ the clerk over whether or not it is “good” champagne: YOU ARE IN A GAS STATION!
Builder: The developer just called and told us not to install the bidets.
Contractor: What are we supposed to do with all these bidets?
Builder: We’ll just take it bidet by bidet.
How often do I make chemistry jokes? Periodically.
I actually told one the other day. There was no reaction…
God: *frowns*
Angel: Sorry. I thought you said let there be peas on earth.
4yo: i’m going to scare them when they come in the door
me: oh wow that’s silly
4yo: yeah but I won’t kill them. This time.
me: wait, what?
TSA Officer: Ma’am, you can’t go through security with that much liquid
Me: But I couldn’t find a bathroom
There’s no way that Cinderella was treated like shit her entire life, then a prince tells her he loves her & she wasn’t like “yeah right.”
Today’s spelling lesson:
On the lam: escaping from policeOn the lamb: escaping from life’s woes with a delightful sheep ride
[how kids view their parents]
Age 3: these people are amazing, they know everything
Age 5: these people are amazing, they know everything
Age 10: these people are amazing, they know everything
Age 18: these drunks are just winging it
I hope my husband never gets Alzheimer’s but if he does, I imagine my favorite part will be saying “I gave you one yesterday.”
Whoever speaks at my funeral will probably just look over at my casket and say “well, she was always kind of like this.”
Apart from “life is short” what other lines do you use before making bad decisions?
Dad law states that you can use your kids’ piggy bank money to pay the ice cream truck. Especially when your wife and kids aren’t home.