My parents were always subverting gender norms. Mom grilled. Dad watched lifetime movies. Both wept when I left the lasagna out all night.
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Elijah Wood looking like he does and only being 18 months younger than me is why I should start drinking more water and washing my face at night.
People use the term lab rat pejoratively even though there is probably no finer life than one dedicated to solving puzzles and eating cheeses.
I’m a lady of science at least that’s what my horoscope said
(Trying to scream over a construction worker’s jackhammer) YOU GUYS MAKIN A BUILDING?
I get more excited seeing my luggage on a baggage carousel than I do seeing a person I know.
Alexa, trade my personal privacy for a cooking timer please.
The earth is the largest rock that any of us will ever stand on. So I’ve never understood rock climbers. By standing on the earth, you have stood on the biggest rock. You are done. You have peaked. You don’t have to keep climbing rocks. Unnecessary.
If my boss suddenly revealed that he’d been Sacha Baron Cohen this whole time everything about my job would make a lot more sense
I prefer the term “quirky”, it sounds less diagnosable.
how to exercise your calf muscles
Books are a total scam. All of these words are already in the dictionary. They’re just selling them back to you in a different order.
I’m by far not the best person but by far the worst thing I’ve ever done is accidentally touch the mailman through my house’s mail slot. I have never before heard the sort of noise he made after reaching into what he hoped was the cold embrace of a mail slot and finding a hand.
My kid can’t eat his pasta because *checks notes* the bowl is too thick
me: [slides bank teller a note]
bank teller: what’s a “roblery”
Me: How’s it going?
Coworker: Can’t complain.
Me: Try harder.
Coworker: Life is meaningless.
Me: Atta boy.
The baby’s favorite food is strawberries and she calls them, “the babies.” We got looks in the store when she asked loudly to eat the babies
[Couples Therapy]
HER: He keeps pretending he’s a doctor. This relationship is dead
HIM: I’m calling it. Time of death, 9:26
ME: OMG SEE!
You can always tell someone’s age by watching them get out of a car.
My wife took our kids to the aquarium the other day and then our 5yo asked me if one weekend I could “take us to outer space”
Maybe she was born with it, maybe she was forged in the fires of Mount Doom.
[spelling bee]
Your word is “redacted”
can you use it in a sentence?
The ██ ████ is █████ ████ and ██ ████.
subtitles are so good nowadays
The day your child learns the word literally and starts using it in literally every sentence is the day you literally wish you’d never let them learn to speak.
People who say all you need is love probably already stocked up on Doritos
I bring my Roomba to parties, so I’m not the most awkward thing moving throughout the room.
“You’re going out with that boy again? He’s no good.”
“Relax, grandma.”
*furiously knits a condom*
“Grandma, that’s not how it works.”
Squirrel having fun.. 😅
every coat is a fur coat when your cat sleeps on it
If someone asks me to do something I was already planning to do, I will leave the COUNTRY to emphasize how much I’m not doing it anymore.
Me: [travels back in time but dies in the vacuum of space because I forgot to account for the earth’s orbit] ope!