When I was a kid, I had to walk uphill both ways in the snow just to change the TV channel.
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I let my kid stir the pancake batter and now he keeps asking for the whisk-y, going to have a lot of explaining to do at preschool
When I put my mind to something I can procrastinate about anything.
Gonna put watermelon on my pizza just to start a Twitter uproar
Me: A bird just flew in the building.
CW: That means someone’s gonna die!
Me: *grabs letter opener
Her:
Me: I don’t make the rules Karen
You say lasagna. I say spaghetti cake. Because my 3 year old won’t eat lasagna.
You think you’re your own worst critic? Just wait till you have kids
The only time I get anxiety is when I’m picking up a prescription for my wife and the pharmacists asks me for her birth date.
Brad Pitt wears a skirt and he breaks the internet. I wear one and the HOA is all, “Cease and desist!” and “You’re hurting our eyeballs!” and “You are uninvited to the pancake breakfast!”
Watching my kids inspecting the French dips I made like I’m about to defend a dissertation
Them: and what is this?
Me: that is ..(checks notes).. Provolone cheese, ma’am
Them: hmmmmm….
If you tweet about orthopedic shoes enough, you don’t even need to write “No DMs” in your bio.
My cousin thinks the phrase is sperm of the moment. Someday, I may correct her.
“Je t’aime” = “I love you”
“Je t’anime” = “I love anime”
Her, 4: I want a baby! New baby sister? Or brother?
Me: We can’t have another baby. You would need a new daddy for mommy to have another baby
Her: New cat?
Dracula: I vant to suck your blood!
Me, a waiter: Is Pepsi okay?
Dracula: *sighing* I guess.
When I want my husband to cut the grass I give him a mowtivational speech.
Hairless cats look like the devil screwed up a possession.
Me: ooh baby do you know what that’s worth
Congregation: oooh heaven is a place on earth
Bishop: no
ME: Hmm. My biggest weakness? Tough question. I guess some people say I’m delusional
UBER DRIVER: I didn’t say anything
It’s not a walk of shame if you leave on a pogo stick.
[Me, a famous art thief]
Art Garfunkel: Please put me down
When I’m empty-handed my dog doesn’t know what the word ‘sit’ means, but if I have a treat she can perform neurosurgery.
No one is more optimistic than a woman who straightens her hair in 90% humidity
{First Day at FedEx}
me: tosses crystal vase onto wrong porch from 30 ft away
manager: wow you’re a natural
Nothing says I don’t want to be here like taking the gym elevator to the second floor.
Big fan of taking a huge bite and then nodding while i chew. you make an excellent point, food.
There’s a police officer trying to get me to roll down my window.
I’m calling the cops.
Me: Bedtime in 5 minutes!
8yo: *Begins the single most complicated crafting project of her lifetime thus far*
A video of a seal jumping in a boat
to escape killer whales went viral.They were trying to orca-strate
a meal, but didn’t seal the deal.