[first day as an undercover cop]
mob boss: and here’s a pamphlet on our comprehensive benefits plan
me: [turning off mic] does this say FOUR weeks vacation?
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“I wasn’t born yesterday.”
-hilarious talking baby
Just overheard at the library:
“This is a place of learning. I don’t understand why shoes are required!”
Her: Look…I asked you to fix this damn cabinet 3 years ago.
Me: For the record…you did preface it with “When you get a chance…”
She was REALLY feeling it.
Psychologist: I’m going to lift this shade and you’ll see you are NOT a vampire.
Man: No!
*lifts shade and the sunlight ignites the man into a screaming inferno*
Nurse: *screams*
P: He convinced his body to do that.
N:
P: I’ve seen it before, Brenda. He’s the 9th this week.
Does this dress make me look cat?
Walmart is always a good place to see someone in the process of hitting their child.
Moving sucks because you’re expected to trash stuff you have you forgot was important. Sure I haven’t worn this t-shirt in ten years but I wore it the night Bobby fell off a roof and I got laid. You’re robbing this of me for “closet space”.
Me: Time heals all wounds.
Murderer: *stabbing me* Way to keep a positive attitude, but that’s probably inaccurate.
Drunk yoga, but it’s me trying to get the last drop out of my boxed wine.
Remember Chucky? This is what he looks like now.
one time I was in the hospital elevator with a resident and then the elevator got stuck and I was like “omg we are going to die” and she was like “omg YES I needed this today” and sat down and started eating a granola bar
If you can moonwalk out of a police station without bumping into anything they have to drop all charges.
Still cleaning up glitter from my 5yo’s school project.
She turns 15 on Sunday.
Just dropped a butcher knife in the kitchen and apparently I can fly now. So that’s cool.
The squirrels are quiet today. Too quiet.
Personal question. #JustSaying
My husband found me lying on the sofa and said the kitchen was a complete mess. I said, “I know. That’s why I’m not in there.”
Me: Somewhere out there my soulmate is watching this same murder documentary and eating a block of cheese in her sweatpants
My husband:
My Dad used to do a great Darth Vader impression, by being a really bad father.
Friend: *crying* I’ve been to Hell and back.
Me: *hugging her* Did you bring me a souvenir?
They dug up a skeleton on my street. Crazy to think that somewhere out there someone is walking around without a skeleton
well well well, if it isn’t the consequences (dying of the plague) of my own actions (putting a rat i found in an alley under my hat to help me cook hotdogs better)
Goldfish: did you remember to take out the garbage?
Elephant: [rolls eyes]
Goldfish: did you remember to take out the garbage?
Before I was married I had no idea I was sneezing wrong.
We’re all getting idioter.
I do the crane stance like in the Karate Kid movie each time I have to flush the toilet in a public restroom.
Thought it would be romantic to recreate the 12 Days of Christmas, but having 23 game birds indoors is actually a hellish nightmare.
High school teachers: You are to write about the use of the color yellow in The Great Gatsby. If it’s less than 10 pages I will CALL THE COPS.
College profs: Write about an entire religion. I don’t even care which one but if you make me read more than 3 pages I will end my shit.
*nonchalantly waters the geraniums with a lawnmower*