It’s Thursday the 12th so I put on a hockey mask and sent some passive aggressive emails
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It doesn’t matter how many signs I put up around the office, HR said high five a co-worker in the face with a shovel day isn’t a thing.
I is smart
I is kind
I is important
I is in the wrong office– I thought to myself after having wine for lunch
The exchange I heard between my 4 year old and my husband when an ad popped up on her tablet. 4 yo: Can I have this? Husband: No, you can’t have an online Bachelor’s Degree in Nursing
I had a sex dream about my wife last night…except her hair was black instead of blonde…and she looked a lot like my hot neighbor Karen.
Me: My son totaled another car.
Progressive: I see that you insure 3 teen sons?
M: yes
P: *covers phone* HEY GUYS, WE’RE GOING TO ARUBA!
When I practice my saxophone I have to put the cat in the window, so my neighbours know I’m not kicking it around the living room.
It’s a gift
I just passed a beer truck on the highway.
“Wait a minute. I’m named after beer?!!?”
-My 6 yr old son, Miller
People who wake up perky:
1) whoa…that’s enough
2) see number 1
My local weather app tells me conditions are good for breathing but tough for running, which fortunately blends perfectly with my skillset.
Trump University is getting a bad rap. My nephew went there and he can poop in a toilet AND say the N-word.
I wonder what happens if you put on Axe body spray and Old Spice deodor-
POOF![ponytail appears]
I just saw where some woman got paid $40 for brushing her teeth on Only Fans.
I will be opening an Only Fans account forthwith and just argue with people all day. That’s my only skill. Except I do know how to brush my teeth so I guess I could do that too.
one time on mushrooms i decided i should be living off nuts & seeds like a little squirrel, so I went to Whole Foods and blew my whole paycheck on nuts & seeds. then all week I had no money and DID have to live off nuts & seeds, and let me tell you I WAS SO WRONG. it sucked
Today I threw away an empty Amazon box that’s been sitting on the floor for two weeks, so that means tomorrow I’ll have a need for that box.
My wife when I’ve lost something: It’s on the right hand side of your nightstand next to your Kleenex
Me when my wife has lost something: I ‘unno…did you look in the freezer?
Hear me out:
Instead of The Bachelor giving out roses to the women, he gives them each a roll of toilet paper.
This is where we’re at, people.
Ladies, other women should be our allies, not our enemies. Nobody understands the heart of a woman like another woman. You’re still pretty.
“it must’ve gone to my spam folder” and other lies I tell at work
King: The son of God will be born! We need 4 wise men to shop for gifts!
“I’ll get gold”
“Frankincense”
“I’ll get myrrh”
Me: Can babies vape?
King: Actually 3 wise men is fine
Losing your spouse can be hard.
But it’s not impossible.
[hijacking a hot-air balloon] i have scissors
one last job
Little does this young woman in the house behind mine who just closed the curtains know that it was the curtains I was looking at.
‘Shake It Off’ is probably my favorite urinal sing-along song.
[phobia support group]
host: i see we have someone new tonight. everyone say hi and give a big wave to our new member.
me: [tearing up]
host: it’s ok, what phobia brings you in today?
me: tsunamis
Toddlers are physically weak but make up for it with their brutal honesty about your appearance
I’ve been asked why I like dogs more than people. Short answer: My dog has never included me in a group text.
I’ve been doing “CrossFit” every day for the last few years.
I cross my fingers and hope that some of my clothes still fit.
#SundayMorning #RubbishJokes #Fitness
i was carrying a 15′ handrail through menards when i jokingly challenged a lady to a jousting match. later, when i thought i saw her again in the parking lot, i said ‘are you ready to joust!” but it wasn’t the same lady.