If you spend “up to $9000” on my funeral it better be on some kind of mechanism that makes me sit up in the casket when people walk by.
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dammit i HATE this slowass coffee machine [gandhi walks into breakroom] and not finding strength in my suffering. also hate that. mornin sir
nothing is funny anymore becuase nothing is normal anymore. i saw a pigeon on the subway today and thought “how did a pigeon make $2.75”
Tired of dating apps. I will now be using a ouija board
So, when you have a missing sock, how long do you hang onto its partner? 9-10 years?
Did you ever think about ten years ago you’d be saying.. “I really hope this is a chick I’m talking to”.
I’ve been meaning to give my car a thorough cleaning, so I think I’ll leave a bottle of hand sanitizer on the dash and tempt fate.
Today is 3 wks in quarantine w/o sugar. Walking 3 miles a day, no meat, dairy or flour! I feel great! No alcohol & vegan diet! A 2 hr home workout everyday. Lost 14 lbs & gained muscle mass! I have no idea whose tweet this is but I’m proud of them so I decided to copy & paste it!
can’t see: birdbox
can’t talk: a quiet place
can’t touch: this
The one closest to the sky is most likely to get eaten by the pterodactyl.
Me: hello I’ve run out of toilet paper
Front desk: oh I’m sorry for the inconvenience
Me: oh no worries, but I’ve also run out of towels
My dance moves are best described as a woman trying to put on pants 4 sizes too small, with a wasp flying around her head.
Me: You’re going to disagree with this statement.
Wife: No I’m not.
In movies guys are always like “ohh this girl’s so adorably clumsy. You can’t help falling in love with her” but in real life guys are always like “go home, Diane. You’re drunk.”
run away with me except we’re driving so we’ll mostly sit
HER: Have you sold anything since you became a full-time author?
ME [stares blankly around my empty house] almost everything
“Whatever we do, let’s make sure it takes forever” – soccer players
Monopoly made me believe there would more bank errors in my favour as an adult.
Today is the only day you can ghost someone and blame it on being festive.
fellas, if your girl:
•has got it going on
•she’s all you want
•you’ve waited for so longshe’s not your girl, she’s stacey’s mom
guys love flexing “i’m self made” so is amoeba what’s your point
I imagine by now all you Evian drinkers have read the name backwards?
Me: How many times do I have to ask you to brush your teeth?
10: Why is it called a building if it’s already built?
Ro-Ro-Robocop,
Gently down the stream,
Merrily, merrily, merrily, merrily,
Killing bad guys in old Detroit in revenge for his murder.
[freezing huddled around fire]
Dont worry I brought blankets to keep us warm *throws blankets on fire* that should last a good half hour
Me [wearing a sick mask]: ᴳᵒᵒᵈ ᵐᵒʳⁿᶦⁿᵍ!
Neighbor: Oh no! You have the flu?
Me [completely shredded my mouth eating Cap’n Crunch for breakfast]: … ʸᵉᵖ
COWARDLY LION: Give me courage
SCARECROW: Give me a brain
ROB THOMAS: Gimme a heart, make it real or else forget about it
TIN MAN: Oh ok Rob
*posts selfie with full makeup and 3 filters*
Caption:
I’m so sick, I feel like dog crap & I look sooooo gross
“it says on ur resume that ur good at saying unexpected things?”
yes i am.
…
“but i thougt u were gona say something unexp– oh wow ur good”
My daughter had a spider in her room but she lost it, and now she wants to move. I told her to stop being dramatic and she would probably just swallow it tonight so nbd
Whom the gods would destroy, they first give the WORST leg cramp and you can’t even get up fast because the cat is on you.