When my 4 year old asked where babies come from my toddler immediately responded, “mail man.” Now I feel like I owe my husband a phone call and we need to cut back on our online shopping.
You Might Also Like
Me: Hey, don’t assume I’m dying alone. I might find someone, you don’t know.
Waiter: I asked if you were dining alone.
Me: Oh, sorry. Yes.
6 (7:30am): Why is it so dark, isn’t it morning?
Me: Yeah buddy (explanation of the first day of winter, shortest day of the year, winter solstice)
(Later, 4:30pm)
6: Why is it so dark, is it bedtime?
Me: No, remember it’s…ummmm, yeah it’s bedtime. Are you tired!?
People commenting on celebrities posting makeup-free selfies: “Empowering queen!”
Me, posting a makeup-free selfie: “Rough night? Need a hug?”
Spend $200 on cat toys
Cats: OMFG A Q-TIP
Don’t let Hollywood fool you. I was in an orphanage for 13 yrs and we only broke into a song & choreographed dance twice
Change is supposed to be a good thing, but I don’t think pennies, nickels, and dimes have ever done anything to deserve my respect.
Every old house is haunted, but some ghosts are just clumsier than others.
[in the backyard enjoying the morning sounds of nature] ahh the forest creatures are mad the football team lost.
[killer in horror movie suddenly appears]
me: *sighing* ugh I JUST sat down
I love triscuits. It’s like eating a basket
At my age, mercury is in hearing aid.
*brings a mattress to a trust fall*
Never knew kids were magicians until they started magically appearing at the sound of wrappers opening
BANK: Someone made fraudulent charges with your debit card
ME: Wait… how do you know it wasn’t me
BANK: They entered the PIN correctly on the first try
ME: Dear god
Let’s put the delete button next to the most important, most used button on this app, lol
~App developers probably
Next time a job interviewer asks where you see yourself in 5 years, say “Why TELL you when I can SHOW you?” then just sit there for 5 years.
Called in, “Didn’t realize this eyeliner was permanent” this morning.
My long legs mean I can emerge gracefully from an SUV. After that, every step looks like I was just released from a zero gravity experiment.
You won’t believe this, kids, but TV used to end. Every day. They played the national anthem, and then it just…stopped. Scary, huh?
Oh wow. It’s so big. Size really does matter. I love it so much.
~my new handbag
Nobody shoots annoying people into the sun anymore and that’s why there are so many of them left on earth
Seems a bit forward
me: remember how i was talking about getting a xylophone
[doctor holds up my x-ray] where the hell are your ribs?
me: im trying to tell you
been making the same muffin recipe forever and tonight I finally remembered it by heart. I can’t express how good it felt to know exactly what to do and how disgusting they tasted because I forgot the eggs.
Been asking what IDGAF means and so far I can’t say people’s responses have been that helpful
Witness: … she said it, exactly so… verbatim.
Judge: *checks notes* Who the heck is Verb and who did he eat?!
Whenever I see a bruise on a banana my first thought is pity, but then I think it probably deserved it because I slipped on a peel once.