Doc: So, where does it hurt?
Pirate: In me chest, I think its me hearty.
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I bought a stationary bike last year and, boy oh boy, has it lived up to its name.
PR MANAGER: It’s bad, boss. The picketers are getting a lot of support.
OUTSIDE:
🎵 Oompa Loompa, Doopity Doo!
A livable wage is the least you can do!
Oompa Loompa, Doopity Dow!
When do we want it? We want it now!🎵WILLY WONKA: Ugh, why did I get them vocal training?
If there’s one thing that makes me want to throw up, it’s a dartboard on the ceiling.
So many Jehovah’s Witnesses and yet still not a shred of Jehovah’s Evidence.
Professor X: What’s your superpower?
Me: I turn positives into negatives.
Confessor X: Oh.
Where on my donor card do I indicate that my organs are not to be used to save anyone who pronounces it “eck-cetera?”
I want you to know that whatever problems you’re having I’m hear to ‘like’ them. 🙃
it’s always sad when you have to take your sick goldfish out to the pasture and shoot it in the head.
GOD: I call those trees and plants
ANGEL: very beautiful
GOD: ya I’m gonna make some people allergic to them
ANGEL: dude who hurt you
My sister borrowed my favorite shirt without asking again, so I changed her Facebook profile picture to a positive Clearblue pregnancy test.
The existence of Kylo Ren implies the existence of Kylo Stimpy.
The pool supply sales lady told me I should shock my swimming pool once a week, so I keep showing it my senior picture.
On the internet it’s super easy to take credit for stuff you had nothing to do with. That’s why I invented it.
At first I thought my daughter was sick because she was sluggish and laid on the couch on her phone all day, but then I realized those were just symptoms of day 4 of Christmas break.
No one:
My 6YO daughter: Mom had three cocks today.
(I had three cokes and she needs to work on her reading)
Me: i’m so hungover.
Wife: what do you need?
Me: *groans* some hair of the dog.
Wife: *empties vacuum bag on me*
People are having sex, kissing, and cuddling right now and you are reading this….. trust me I’m not happy about this either🙄🙄🙄
Why do people say “Cannonball” when jumping into a pool, but no one says “I’m jumping into a pool” when firing a cannonball #Interesting
The secret to enjoying good wine: Open to let it breathe. If it appears not to be breathing, apply mouth to mouth.
I gotta ask, what part of ‘I don’t eat sugar’ don’t I understand
start pet casino? explore legality
shit this isn’t my notes app
My weird paranoid neighbor, shreds all her mail and closes all the shades.
But never locks her basement window.
vanessa carlton drove a piano one thousand miles to get to the one she loved and i can’t even get a text back.
And the Lord said in the presence of a loading zone
The lottery gives you about a 1 in 200 million chance you won’t be going to work tomorrow. Alcohol will give you a 1 in 5. #PowerballFever
me: I was mugged by a snake
cop: was he armed?
me: *long pause* no
them: I’ll call you, we’ll do coffee
me outwardly: yay
me inwardly: nope
Me: I’m having a bad day!
Brain: You should buy those $300 headphones so you feel better.
Me: You’re making a lot of sense right now.
Yesterday I watched Rogue One, featuring a cameo from Carrie Fisher.
One hour later she was dead.
So today I’ll be watching Home Alone 2.
I think it’s cool when websites don’t show what a shirt looks like on a person. Wow it looks great folded up floating in the Great Void, that’s exactly how I am going to wear it.