How to stop checking someone’s Facebook page:
1. Delete your Facebook profile
2. Break your phone
3. Give away your laptop
4. Die
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On medical forms I put down Elon Musk as my emergency contact so he can build a space catapult to hurl my body into the sun when I die.
[Using My Shrink Ray]
Me: I feel so small
Ray: *taking notes* Let’s explore that
I’ve heard that some people have kids who sleep through the night and I’d like to know if they use tranquilizers or chloroform
My boyfriend talks to everyone while I stand by quietly planning my escape.
Ok, so there’s “senior’s parking,” and “expectant mothers parking” at the grocery store.
Where is the parking for “Undermedicated, on a short fuse and probably shouldn’t be out in public?”
Husband: Why is there a bucket on the roof?
6yo: what bucket? An orange bucket? I definitely wasn’t playing with an Orange bucket.
Husband: I never mentioned the color. 🧐And this, kids, is why we don’t talk to the police without a lawyer present 🤣
Someone once told me “If you love something, set it free”. I told them not to mind about those noises coming from the basement.
Screw it. SCREW EVERYTHING.
– me, 5 minutes after learning how to use a power drill
You miss one dog birthday and he’s acting like I’ve missed the last 7!
McDonald’s has spoiled all of us with their super-charged carbonated soda. I don’t want just any Sprite. I want the Sprite that will make me see God.
Becoming a grandparent is the one time it’s acceptable to choose your own nickname and people blow it EVERY TIME. Why would you be Grampy when you could be DEATHBLADE.
No YOU are a drama queen said the fainting goat to the opossum.
A large group of Canadian Geese is called a Nightmare.
*goes shopping without makeup and a hair in the messy bun*
“Hi everybody I ever met since 1999”
M: Wanna try tantrum sex?
W: You mean “tantric”?
M: *stomps feet* Fine! We’ll do it your way!
[training the new person at work]
Them: so you do this everyday?
Me, hiding in the toilet for the 6th time: yes
“Are you listening to understand or to be right?”
~ sometimes pretending to listen results in unexpected mutiple choice questions
The GF goes away for 10 days, *shits going to get wild
* sleeps in middle of bed
SPOILER ALERT for “Finding Bigfoot” TV show – they don’t find him. Again.
All I’ve ever really wanted is a modest little home, nothing fancy. A usable kitchen, a yard for the dog, a sprawling bookcase-accessible secret Victorian library with a minimum of three rolling ladders and a kindly ghost librarian. I don’t ask for much.
The transition from Lego kid to Nerf kid provides a lot of relief to parents’ feet.
Last year my ex and I dressed as opposing political parties for Halloween… best hate sex we ever had.
Last night I went to a fancy dress party dressed as a screwdriver. I turned a few heads.
waiter: would u like the bill?
me: no I would not
Movie Trivia: Cloverfield was just Khloe Kardashian on a shopping trip in New York
*son wants to go to water park*
*bring him to water park*
*starts raining*
*he starts crying..because he’s getting wet*this is why I drink
I wear a ski mask to bed so if there’s a home invasion the intruder will think I’m part of the team.
Little Red Riding Hood is my favorite story about an idiot who can’t tell the difference between a human and a wolf.
I always look for the best looking cashier at the supermarket and always end up at the self checkout lane
The Moon: *shines through my window at night and doesn’t let me sleep*
[Next Night]
Me: *pointing a flashlight at the moon* haha take that you piece of shit