Can’t. Too busy being force-fed teething crackers by my 1yo daughter.
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At this point I feel like MTV is just trying to scare old people.
ME: make a clone of me for my wife
SCIENTIST: ok [makes a George Clooney]
ME: I said clone not Clooney. take it back
WIFE: wait a minute
How come when a child shouts “This is dumb” at a wedding it’s considered cute, but when I do it, I’m immediately replaced by another priest?
Therapist: We need to discuss why you think the moon is your enemy.
Me: He controls the tides, you know. That’s too much power.
Newscast in the background: “-unprecedented number of tsunamis this year-“
Me: He’s trying to silence me.
All I’m saying is why blame it on being lazy when you can blame it on being old?
“It’s just a shell… it’s just a shell… it’s just a shell.”
– my foot touching anything in the ocean.
Uber is going to choose a new CEO in 4 minutes. Now 5 minutes. Shit now it’s 11 minutes away, why is it going in the opposite direction
Me: How do you guys want your steaks cooked?
Kids: Cook them so they taste like chicken nuggets.
Oh, you hate leftovers? Maybe you should’ve thought of that last night when I cooked a big meal and you were “not that hungry.”
I said NO, Steve! It’s a terrible idea. We’ll never get away with it…
Probably the worst thing you can do to a person is leave them a voicemail.
M: Yes, I’m here for the complimentary wine tasting.
Priest: Ma’am, this is a church service.
M: Oh, no worries. I can wait.
If you wait long enough to make dinner, everyone will eat cereal.
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There is no bigger asshole than someone that takes an animal that can fly and puts it in a cage to stand on a stick.
date: so what do you do?
me: *recalling how I deface every mesh window covering I see with Sharpie* I’m a screenwriter
Boxing and fencing
Two sports that have nothing to do with boxes or fences
Boss: Is that beer? You’re not supposed to drink at work!
Me: You’re not supposed to cheat on your wife.
Boss: You’re doing a great job.
I have decided to forgive my own student loans. Peace be with you.
The opposite of formaldehyde is casualdejekyll.
[at funeral] You really had to see him live
I mistakenly opened a bag of chips and now I have to eat them, so yes, there is such a thing as a fun problem
I prefer doing arithmetic naked. Means I can count to 21.
[interrogation]
ME: I’ll only answer questions if that officer over there starts kissing my face
COP: Again, the police dog isn’t an officer
[first day as a fireman]
So you’re telling me my arms will not be shooting fire?
I lost a contact at the gym and while I was searching for it people started gathering around and long story short I teach yoga now.
ME: please don’t be mad
GETAWAY DRIVER: what’s wrong
ME: i left my phone in there
[in bed]
HER: I want you to do something naughty
ME: ok *spoils Infinity War ending before she’s seen it*
Forget a alarm clock just give me the smell of bacon and coffee
Ford vehicles names are more fun when you put “anal” in front of them..Probe, Explorer, Excursion, Endeavor, Ranger,etc
Expectant Parent: What’s it like being a parent?
Me: Have you ever wrestled an alligator covered in vaseline?
Expectant Parent:
Me: Don’t worry, you’ll learn.