Boeing: we fixed all the problems
Passengers: is that Flex Seal?
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Are people with googly eyes better at searching for stuff?
[jungle]
Detective: I’d like to ask you some questions about a recent jewel heist.
Ring-tailed lemur: This is profiling.
OEDIPUS: hi do u have any anniversary/Mother’s Day cards?
CARD STORE CLERK: dude wtf
Standing behind a hot guy on a treadmill saying ‘don’t worry baby, I’ll catch you if you fall’ makes him run for a really really long time
I’d love to have a sex change. Preferably from ‘none’ to ‘absolutely shitloads’.
Took my dog to the vet this morning. There was a dog named “snot.” Wtf is wrong with people! 😡
I’m walking on sunshine, AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH and I’m startin’ to feel
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH THIS IS TERRIBLE
EVERYONE! Single file into the ocean, please.
Job interview:
– Good morning
– Good morning
– Have you got a twitter account?
– Yes
– Ok, thanks for your time. We’ll get back to you
Any way is the right way to plug in a USB if you’re not a weakass
Teach a man to fish, feed him for a lifetime
Teach an octopus to play drums, change rock music forever
Thank you hotel for offering me the convenience of making coffee in the bathroom
GPS: You’re not really lost, you just want someone to talk to.
Titanic (1997): a boat gets murdered by an ice cube.
“Can I speak to your manager please?”
“I AM the manager”
Many people told me I would benefit exposing myself to art.
(NASA)
HQ: Good launch everyone.
Astronaut: Uhh what’s that buzzing noise?
NASA Prankster: Definitely rocket noise and not bees.
When she checks her bank statement and go “what are these PlayStation Network charges”
Any wedding can be a fairy tale wedding if you serve porridge and release three angry bears into the reception hall
Thankful that Five-Fingered Shoes company doesn’t make pants.
On medical forms I put down Elon Musk as my emergency contact so he can build a space catapult to hurl my body into the sun when I die.
I hate when you have 47 items and the cashier asks, “Do you need a bag?” Oh no, I’m heading right back to the circus, so I’ll just juggle all this shit for 6 miles”
My 6yo is arguing with me over what day of the week it is.
Have kids, they said.
It’s ok to not have a Valentine on Valentine’s Day. I didn’t have a groundhog on Groundhog’s Day
If you make fun of a guy named Terry and he shoots you dead, you have died of dissin’ Terry…
… don’t get up. I’ll show myself out.
A ceiling fan wont cut a bagel in half, not even on top speed
SON: I lost a tooth. I’m gonna leave it under my pillow.
ME: *paying bills online* I’d wait
this is one of the absolute funniest things hozier’s ever done and i stand by that
TV Anchor: I don’t have my Halloween costume yet but it’s going to be cool and wet!
Me: Wow you go girl!
TVA: turning to weather…
M: Oh…