Doctor: Describe your headache.
Me: She’s about 5’8″, blonde, and the mother of my children.
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If we had security camera footage of Mother Teresa, trust me, even she’d look guilty of something.
A kiss so passionate you have first degree burns from the melted cheese on the pizza.
Apparently the first thing you should say after you back over your wife’s foot is “I’m sorry” not “I guess that means no sex tonight”
“My uncle died from mineral exposure.”
“Barium?”
“No. We had him cremated.”
I accidentally inhaled some soap when I was washing my face and then I coughed and no bubbles came out. Cartoons are full of shit.
Me: *answering each question by shouting my name and Social Security number, refusing to crack*
Job Interviewer: *growing increasingly flustered*
First date idea: you buy me a castle in Scotland
Me: Don’t you talk to me like you are paying me for what I do
Boss:
Boss: But I am paying you for what you do!
Me: What did I just say!!
Good news. My neighbor found that last box of fireworks.
My therapist said I need to stop listening to Ke$ha on my iPod and start acting my age.
So I bought Ke$ha on vinyl.
Tik Tok.
demon: [looking around inside me] dude no offence but it’s like kind of a nightmare in here
me: haha yeah
demon: how are all your thoughts in comic sans
I’m so hungry I could Instagram a horse.
my good friends know that i’m just 4 voicemails and 10 texts away. like whenever they need me. when I’m available.
[creating animals]
God- I want an animal with 2 humps
Angel- And a cute face?
G- Yes.. And make them spit at humans
A- LOL
G- LOL
“Holy infant so tender and mild.”
-cannibals
Me: and i love that thing u do with ur tongue piercing..
Wife: OMG [storms off]
Me: WRITING OUR OWN VOWS WAS YOUR IDEA LYDIA
[Priest faints]
Person: I like you
Me: *eyes narrow* Why
Amazing how many stupid choices are made on smart phones.
[son’s football game]
Other dad: which one’s yours?
Me: I can’t remember. I just wait for him in the car when the games over
My Fitbit isn’t accurate when I hold my kid’s hand or push a cart, so I put it on my ankle to get that sexy house arrest look
Ooo! The morning weather girl…
Come on baby, give daddy the five day forecast.
AVENGERS ASSEMBLE
THOR – “here”
HULK – “here”
IRON MAN – “here”
CAPT. AMERICA – “here”
USELESS ARROW GUY – …
I SAID-
HAWKEYE- I HEARD YOU
anybody is allowed to send me $1,400 it doesn’t have to just be the government
Alarm system? Yeah right. I’ll defend my home the way my ancestors would have. A series of large painted portraits with peepholes for eyes.
One day my GPS is gonna say, “You should know this one by now” and shut off.
I ate everything, including the H.
Millennial: what’s crackalackin’?
Me: my knees, my shoulder, my neck, and my back
My 5 year old is going to be a witch for Halloween. But she doesn’t want to wear a hat. No wig, either. The black dress? Too itchy. Oh, and she’s not down with green makeup. The only part of the costume she likes is the broom. My 5 year old is going to be a janitor for Halloween.
I’ve had worse
Honestly, I think Bernie Sanders is just angry about email in general. #DemDebate