My husband said the doctor told him I can suck out his kidney stone. After 3 days of trying, I think he lied to me.
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I used to think Ol’ Yeller was a book about my stepdad.
I was very disappointed when I found out drinking alcohol doesn’t actually kill brain cells, I was hoping to join a political party one day.
I’m spending my adult life behind bars, or as my spouse likes to call it, married
Look, we don’t expect animals to be nice to strangers right away when they meet them, they need to sniff you to out a little bit to decide if you’re okay or not…. So how come when I do it people are like “Oh, she’s being weird again”
If the number 666 is considered evil, then technically, 25.8069758 is the root of all evil.
If your 6-year-old suddenly runs to assure you in the kitchen that his napping toddler brother is “JUST FINE,” you can be sure that he has tiny dinosaur figurines stacked high on his forehead as he sleeps.
[Walking around the office]
*Sees nosepicker*
*Hears burper*
*Smells gas*Boss: What are you doing?
Calculating the…”Gross Margin.”
museums: why doesn’t anyone go to museums anymore
also museums: thanks for the $22. here are 87 bolted down ipads. tap on them
MATH TEACHER: what is half of thirty
ME: thi
Not to say I’m reckless, but my guardian angel wears a blindfold.
I covered my boyfriend’s laptop in melted cheese and now he’s really mad at me. I mean, what did he expect when he asked for Mac and cheese?
I went to Lowe’s to buy a human-sized microwave & the guy loudly said they don’t exist & then took me to a back room & they had lots of them
Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?
Dwayne Johnson: *sweating nervously* certainly not paper that’s for sure
Had pizza for every meal, just one piece. Breakfast, lunch, snack, dinner. Four pieces total, but I’m 700 calories over budget which makes me want to eat the other four.
Didn’t find out until I got to work that these exposed-shoulder tops are intended for women.
My 4yo said “I’m closing my eyes so I can see better” and I think she has a future in politics
My general rule about animals is if I can catch it, I can pet it. If it can catch me…well, I’ll get a few pets in first.
My kids gave me a headache so I left them a scathing review on Glassdoor.
Found my chapstick in my pants pocket before it went through the washer or the dryer in case anyone is looking for a life coach.
Child: Mommy said I’m allowed to say the C-word now.
Me: Uh. What C-word?
Child: The bad one.
Me:
Child:
Me: Mommy is letting you say-
Wife [running in from other room]: CRAP SHE MEANS CRAP
My friend is a meteorologist so when he wants to hang out I tell him there’s a 100% chance I’ll be there and then I don’t show up.
Inflation has me feeling like I’m back in college cause I’m living off of ramen most days.
“ARE YOU LISTENING TO ME OR NOT?”
“What are my choices again?”
Super Hand Dog Face
Tuna are probably pretty annoyed with how much we worry about catching dolphins in our tuna nets.
[Games store]
ME: Do you sell chess sets?
SALES ASSISTANT: I’ll check mate.
:# <— emoticon for “I’m eating a brillo pad”
Life with teenagers is basically them sniffing out snacks from a mile away yet missing the odour lingering in their bedroom
Twitter should have ” Throwing tomato” button.