brain: did we get anything done this weekend?
me: no
brain: ok then at least we relaxed
me: somehow also no
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I WILL NEVER STOP BEING A QUITTER!
Bank Robber: Did anyone see my face?
Me: *raising hand* I’m pretty sure Barb did.
When I cut my nails in the yard outside, I wonder if the ants really appreciate the giant tusk weapons I’m giving them for their battles…
What do you want to be when you grow up?
other kids: firefighter, doctor, scientist…
my 9yo: I’m gonna sell my Pokémon cards on the streets of New York.
6yo: I got dressed, took my vitamins and got my cereal.
Me: My baby is all grown up, she doesn’t need me anymore! [Sobbing]
6yo: Ummmm well I still can’t spell supercalifragilisticexpialidocious!
Me: ᴺᵉᶦᵗʰᵉʳ ᶜᵃⁿ ᴵ [sobbing]
ME: The mugger…he called himself “Antman”
SKETCH ARTIST: *puts a dot on a piece of paper*
ME [shaking] omg that’s him!
Me: what did you get into??
8: [frantically trying to wash his red colored hands] nothing. I did nothing.
BOSS: You all get 1 floating holiday
COWORKER: I’m taking Earth Day off
ME: [knowing a day on Venus is 243 Earth days] I’ll take Venus Day
I finally convinced Grandpa to watch Avengers with me.
Grandpa: Who’s that guy?
Me: Captain America.
Grandpa: Then the blonde must be Captain Hammer.
Me: No, that’s Thor.
Grandpa: …Thor? What, like from the Bible?
Me: Um… Yes?
Grandpa: I don’t like church movies.
interviewer: describe yourself
me: you know the urge to awkwardly hobble-run across the road when someone lets you cross? i am basically that energy manifested into an entire person
interviewer: ok
Passenger: Do you mind if I take a picture out the window?
Pilot: Of course, you utter dipshit.
I hate spelling errors
You mix up two letters and your whole tweet is urined
I’m 45 yrs old. I have never turned on a flashlight without making the lightsaber noise
My boyfriend was explaining to me how its nice to be with me as I’m so easy to keep happy. Enjoying the positive comments I asked him to elaborate, he says well all you need is to sleep well, eat lots and go for nice walks, to which I suddenly realised I am a golden retriever
*plot twist*
plot: ouch!!!
DRY CLEANER: …are these
ME: yes, Taco Bell hot sauce stains
DRY CLEANER: but it’s an…
ME: yes, I realize it’s an ascot
j o i m p
Your first mistake was trusting me with leftover tiramisu in the fridge
The bank robbery would have ended much better for me if I hadn’t stopped on the way out at the ATM to deposit the money.
Now that HBO has a partnership with Sesame Street we’ll finally learn how to spell the names of all the Game of Thrones characters.
A spider just tried to crawl across my hand and now how do you extract a fork from bone without causing more damage?
My 7yo made a bed for his new stuffed giraffe on a windowsill, covering him with a bath towel.
I asked why the giraffe couldn’t just sleep with him in his bed, and I don’t have it in me to debate his reply:
“He’s a giraffe. He won’t fit in a bed.”
I think long & hard before using innuendo.
Ground control: he says he loves you very much
Mrs Major Tom: what’s he done this time?
Dear people with resolutions,
Please bring all your unwanted.. bread, junk food, soda, drugs, and alcohol to my house. Thanks.
I just yelled ‘Jayden’ at the mall and now I’m a mom to like 20 kids.
You’re not allowed to make up words. It’s illexical
It was only a three dollar bottle of Chardonnay, but we partied like it was $19.99
At dinner my husband hollered, “I’m going to run off to a place where I’m appreciated!”
My daughter: Don’t take my Barbie backpack.
My son: Can someone pass the butter?
My mother: You married her.
🍄 Convo at work today:
Person: why do red mushrooms have polka dots?
Me: ok I have to warn you, this is my special interest, I can’t answer unless you have 30 mins to spare
P: 30 mins for a plant?
Me: plant? Nvm I need an hour. At least.