Officer: do you know why I pulled you over
Me: the warrant probably
Officer: you have a broken- what
Me: what
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This was the best day of my life
[ Quarantine week 2 ]
We want to become self-sufficient so we planted our own tater tot tree.
Vegetarian? Sea kelp.
Cannibal? Seek help.
Once I went to a concert and I tried to throw my panties up on the stage but I suck at throwing so they landed in the crowd like four feet ahead of me and I was asking some guy, “Hey can I get my underwear back? Sir. Can I please. Get my underwear back. Excuse me?”
My little dog has gotten into the box of treats & hidden them throughout the house. Every now & then he eats one. He’s strutting around like he pulled off a bank heist & is spending the cash slowly.
Here’s a large bag of googly eyes. Paste them on literally everything.
– me as a therapist
I just saw some idiot at the gym put his water bottle in the Pringle holder on the treadmill.
Bikes are held up by witchcraft if u can ride a bike you are a level 1 wizard & if u can ride a unicycle you are a level 2 dork haha owned
My amazing grandma cooked me some meals and this is how she labeled this one. God bless her.
Happy “Venmo Your Siblings for Flowers” Day
You want me to make something homemade?? Girl I can’t even make my own serotonin.
my landlord is angry because I put an entire suit of armor down the laundry chute again
I made garlic mashed potatoes and there isn’t a vampire for miles that is brave enough to come near us.
I need my shit together like those people who match their wrapping paper to their Christmas tree.
Muffins – for people who don’t have the guts to order cake for breakfast.
me: pls don’t do that
kids: [do it anyway]
me: I told you not to do that
kids: are you new
Cop: have you been drinking tonight?
Me: no sir
Cop: *rips off mask to reveal my mother* well you need to stay hydrated
[babysitting]
Ok well sorry I threw all your kid’s toys into the ocean but maybe next time be more clear if you suggest we have a tea party
12-year-old: *holds up a poster* This is my school project.
Me: What was your objective?
12: To be done with my school project.
Nailed it.
Me: Not today, Satan.
Her: Mom, stop calling me that.
My daughter’s morning alarm is less to wake her up and more to warn the rest of us.
My thoughts are with you but my prayers are reserved for Kelly on FB that’s cooking a casserole for the first time.
No one is more disappointed about you driving the speed limit than the cop pacing you, thinking he’s cleverly disguised in his marked Ford Explorer.
Miss Piggy’s karate skills are my favorite pork chops.
Just noticed there’s no comma in “Bed Bath & Beyond” and honestly, a bed bath would solve a lot of my problems.
I just saw this advert and the lady said allergies cause you to avoid the things you love. That explains why I never get laid.
Me: Screw you, Tuesday!
Tuesday: I have a boyfriend.
There are times I stare at my kids thinking how amazing they are and then realize it’s because they are napping.
It’s so hot that my thermostat says “Idris Elba”.