I was up way earlier than normal and I couldn’t find my cat. I walked around the neighborhood and found him being fed by a lady a few houses down. She had a different name for him and everything. He’s been living a double life. I feel so betrayed.
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I’m rearranging the neighbors’ Halloween decorations a little each night until they’re circling their front doors. Scaring is caring.
My friends are talking about going to a club after dinner and drinks and while I know the time goes back tonight I didn’t realize it was going back to 2004
Me: Define Illegal
Cop: You’re drunk, riding a horse, shooting a gun and yelling ‘For Narnia’
Me: I want my lawyer.
OK I watch a lot of Dateline BUT: like 80% of the murders happen in small towns and the episode starts with someone saying “things like this don’t happen in small towns.”
Like – lady, watch Dateline 🤷♀️
I bet all the cool math nerds call each other algebros.
“why do women always take sooo long to put their makeup on?” because makeup is war paint for Being In Public, clearly
Tried to pull off a smokey eye, ended up looking like I went three rounds with McGregor
they finally got him. they got macavity
My 6yo fell over today because he was distracted by watching some construction work happening across the street and I didn’t even see how he fell because I was distracted by watching some construction work happening across the street
King’s men: well don’t just stand there, help us put this egg mf back together again
King’s horses:
Podiatrists don’t use metric.
They only deal with feet.
[interview]
What’s your greatest weakness?
ME: Probably avoiding tough questions
Can you elaborate on that?
ME: Oh hey look at the time!
Sorry I pretended I was drowning so you could see how incredible my hair looked underwater.
I put energy drinks in the hummingbird feeder. It’s for science.
All my mom’s plants die from being overwatered and that’s all you need to know about my childhood and why I’m like this.
Sorry I’m late my grocery store rearranged all their aisles 2 years ago
The Pixar lamp killed my Dad.
– i
Twenty years ago today I walked across the stage and proudly accepted a diploma from Harvard University, a day I’ll never forget. I was promptly tackled by security and charged with trespassing, but man, what a moment.
I’ve been clicking “remind me later” on this work software update for 2 years when is he going to get the hint that I’m not interested?
The cashier told me to have a good New Year like my purchase of oven cleaner and frozen pizza suggests anything else.
Gonna start telling my teenage daughters, “ok, boomer” when they try to act like my mother.
there are differences between normal surfing and crowd surfing for example when you crowd surf people get upset if you pee
“All you have left is your king and one knight,” sneers my grandmaster chess opponent. Suddenly a little hatch opens in my knight and thousands of tiny Greek soldiers swarm out.
Baby showers are so weird.
It’s like “hey, congrats on having a functional reproductive system”.
Why can’t there be nostril pattern baldness?
Me: intuitive eating is easy. It’s all about listening to your body
My body: I’m begging you…eat a vegetable….please
Me: what’s that? More cheese?
I bought and named a star after you.
If you look to the west on a clear night you will see Sociopath.
Life Hack: Get a dog and a cat and name them Resident and Occupant. Now that junkmail isn’t annoying, it’s adorable.
My favorite part about playing video games with my kids is
WAIT WHICH GUY AM I
HOW DO I JUMP
WHAT’S HAPPENING
Youth may have many decadent pleasures. But at my age, based on the sounds I make, relieving my bladder is pure euphoria.