Just hit a racist with my car. Probably a racist. I feel like he was. Statistically, very likely. Oh so you think there’s no racism problem?
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Mixology students be like, “My mint leaf dissertation needs to slap.”
*hip thrusts my way to the buffet table*
Def Leppard is short for Definitely Can’t Spell Leopard
Very proud of how these turned out. I bought them from a store like a normal person.
I identify as a McDonald’s ice-cream machine because I go down when you really want me.
Sometimes I think about the time my four year old told me she ate fruit at school and when I asked her what kind she said flamangos.
My 2yo definitely has a future in the restaurant industry, she always waits until I’ve got a mouthful of food, then asks me a question!
The important thing to remember is that nobody asked you.
The year is 2027. Voice to text is flawless. A young child points at a bird and says, “Duck”. His mother slaps him.
Jesus: I can never tell if people are addressing me or taking my name in vain
Mary: Jesus stop complaining
*died in your arms tonight*
*stuffed in your trunk tomorrow*
*buried in the woods the day after that*
Can’t feed an old dog new Trix.
Trix are for kids.
Going commando is the closest I’ll ever get to joining the army.
First they came for the mime artists, and I said something, because I didn’t want them to think I was also a mime artist.
Whenever I get mad at my husband, I go unravel all of his extension cords.
“Daddy, how do you get the snow off” my helpless six year old shouts as she’s outside in a snowsuit playing…in the snow…and it’s snowing
Me *buying alcohol*
Him: I need identification
Me *pointing* wine, vodka, beer, whiskey
Him: I meant you
Me: I’m Jon
Kid in grocery store walks past me and points “Mommy look, that’s a BIG Mommy!”
It’s called TALL, you little shit.
The “eye for an eye” philosophy isn’t exactly a level playing field if your grievance is with a cyclops.
Her: this isn’t going to work out
Me: *in the kiddie pool in full scuba gear* Why, what’s wrong?
Bluetick account 1: [says some incredibly offensive shit completely unprovoked]
Bluetick 2: wow your mentions are a real sewer 😳
Bluetick 1: I know 😂 that’s just Twitter though isn’t it 🙄
Bluetick 2: so true! Sending love❤️
Bluetick 1: ❤️
That cute little run women do when they’re wearing heels and dresses remind me of that time I almost pooped my pants
I rolled up my yoga mat absolutely perfectly and if you think I’ll mess that up by working out, then you’re out of your mind.
I feel like whoever named it a “magic marker” was really overselling their product expectation-wise.
Me: I need a simple, easy hobby to relax and clear my mind
Also me: I will teach myself metalworking techniques from the Middle Ages
Actually Jennifer, diamonds are a girls best friend, so technically I slept with your second best friend
Every day I ask myself deep existential questions like, “If I were me, where would I park the car?”
I could never be an actress because I don’t want kids and would never be able to say “but my favorite role is being a mom” at award shows.
[phone sex]
GF: Tell me you want me
ME: I want you badly
GF: How badly?
ME: I want you [checking thesaurus in a panic] haphazardly