i balance snacking with exercise by placing a bowl of chips on the roomba and following it around the house
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Me: I signed my son up for an appointment with a child psyhcologist
Doctor: That’s me
Me: but you’re an adult
Doctor: and a child psychologist
Me: how
I tell all my ex girlfriends I just want them to be happy (happy was a golden retriever I saw get hit by a train in 1997)
Why is mild cheddar even a thing? Who are these people who can’t handle sharp cheddar & why are they allowed to influence the cheese market?
“I’m ONE PERSON trying to hold this whole house together!” my husband hollers in frustration as the kids flee back to the tv, abandoning him with the collapsing gingerbread house.
Doctor: It doesn’t look good
Me: What? You haven’t even tested me for covid yet
Doctor: Judging by that outfit you’ve clearly lost your sense of taste
Me – “did Benjamin Button’s pubes fall out or grow back inside his body?”
Doctor – “no I meant what seems to be the problem with you”
I love watching my 3yo and 2yo fight because they throw kicks and nobody makes contact and they say shit like, “you’re boring!” and “I have socks!” as insults and it’s amazing.
As a little girl I dreamt of being Belle so I could have that beautiful yellow gown- As a grown woman I want to be Belle so I can be locked away in an enchanted castle where the dishes clean themselves.
I cleverly paired my housekeeping work with my cardio, and now I can’t get myself to do either.
“Hey, look, is that Dad?”
“Either that or Batman’s really let himself go.”
Wearing a mask had been helpful as I’ve forgotten where I packed my nose hair trimmer.
My boyfriend thinks it’s cute when I use the clap emoji but I’ve just been trying to tell him that I have an STD.
instead of meal prepping on sundays, have u considered taking an impromptu and cost ineffective trip to the grocery store every single day of the week?
[ riding into battle ]
YOU GUYS BETTER NOT HURT MY HORSEY
replaced my gf’s couch with a trampoline and man she hit the roof
Apparently my son “looks like daddy” when he’s wearing half of his food
[first date]
I’m sorry, I fiddle when I get nervous
“That’s okay”
Yeah….
*jams out epic fiddle solo for the rest of the date*
he asked “what are we?” and I said toniggggght we are young
My wedding anniversary is next week. Does anyone have an idea for a gift that conveys the sentiment ‘our love is priceless’ for under $75?
What rhymes with Autoerotic Asphyxiation? Writing an obituary is hard.
[trapped under avalanche of Tupperware that fell on me from kitchen cabinet]
*updates social media with selfie*
Bring food,
No weirdos.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Hello! I’m really high sorry about my driving. I’m ready to order now.
Erm…
WIFE: our son has an A in Biology!
ME: *shoving another donut in my mouth* I wasn’t the one who taught him how to spell
Unmuting myself to say “thank you!”after a 1.5 hour meeting I didn’t contribute anything to
I’m going to complain about the cold until a Canadian gets mad enough to say something rude, like ‘I’m sorry but it’s colder in Canada.”
Officer – Do you know how fast you were going?
*Looks up from phone*
No idea
When you get a 3D printer, don’t mess around. Go straight to printing money.
I need a new maid, because the current one sucks. Also, she’s me.