He may not be a 10 but he covers his food when he puts it in the microwave
Me: *wolf whistles*
You Might Also Like
I could’ve chosen a life of crime but it seems like it would interfere with my 9pm bedtime.
i don’t give parenting advice bc i don’t have kids but i was at an engagement party once where a toddler was walking around drinking a bud light and i had to step in bc craft beers taste better.
It’s terrible when my husband “misplaces” his phone after forgetting to do the chores he promised to do. *giggle*
My kid: mumma where are you going?
Me: I’m going to meet my really old friends
My kid: you mean friends your age?
Me: ‘really old’ meaning from long ago
My kid: so same
there should be an opposite of valentine’s day where you post instagram photos of your enemy
I found my first grey pubic hair today, but I didn’t freak out; unlike everyone else in the Zoom meeting.
Shia LaBeouf always manages to come back into our lives at the exact moment we forget how to spell his last name
Me: Okay, you’re up
Kid: …. Trick or Treat
Me, opening kitchen cabinet: Look, candy!!
Kid: Mom, this is stupid
Me: Do you want candy or do you want to get infected and die???
I’m a hiring manager with a team of nine. Two are called Tom. I recently interviewed a candidate for my team. He was almost perfect but I can’t hire him because he is also called Tom and two Tom’s are enough.
At the grocery store some old lady seemed like she was hitting on me. Turns out we went to school together.
I know you all think *I’m* the chaotic one in my family, but a baboon troop just broke into my sister’s house and stole two jars of peanut butter and her husband chased them off with a baseball bat, an event she relayed by dropping a video with no explanation in the group chat
I saw this anti-aging cream that promises to give you, “A neck that can turn heads”. If you’re so old that your neck can’t turn your head, you’re going to need more than a cream.
[standing outside the office with all the other smokers, I take out my cigar case, remove a hotdog and place it in my mouth] I’m trying to quit but it’s soooo hard
*Follows dreams
*Ends up at refrigerator.
Violence is not the answer, unless you’re a gaggle of children instructed to break into a piñata.
Leg day is just a fake day invented by Big Leg to sell more leg
One day, some dude was all “You know where we should save our money? Inside a statue of a pig,” and everybody went “That is a GREAT idea.”
I’m watching a lot of videos about ancient Rome and one thing that kills me every time is one historical figure getting mad at another and having to sustain that anger for several months as they travel across Italy to confront them
Apparently “I had a lovely chat with the tomatoes while weeding the garden yesterday” doesn’t count when your therapist asks you about your social interactions since the last session.
No sense buying a memory foam mattress if you’re just going to toss and turn all night, it’ll be confused.
If my kids ask, bears are attracted to the sound of fighting children.
*me trying to bond with my 30 year old male coworkers* ah yes, i also had a brutal leg day, i woke up again with legs
Me: [from inside a sealed cardboard box] I’m the total package.
Everyone else at speed dating:
My 4yo twins spent half the morning yelling “Alexa watch this!!” and when they finally walked away Alexa asked if I could find her a new home that doesn’t have kids
Sales of wood-chippers have gone way up as the quarantine has continued. That makes sense on farms, but most buyers are apartment dwellers.
I own a lot of cleaning supplies for someone whose friends inscribed “dust me” on my coffee table recently.
First day of packing for a move: *dresses each Barbie before putting them in a box*
Second day of packing for a move: *dumps entire contents of desk drawer into Target bag and ties it up with USB cord*
Ok, milk… Check!
Potato salad… Check!
Tomatoes… Check!“Sir, can you wait for the total and just write one check please?”
We’re doing a “show your pets on zoom” thing for our work meeting. Taking my laptop under my bed so the writhing knot of silverfish can say hi.
Me: the vacuum broke
Husband: that sucks
Me: no it doesn’t