Relationship status: If my husband is running his fingers through my hair, it’s to retrieve food.
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Nothing good can come from a gay man greeting you with an up and down look followed by an “Oh, honey”
Me: Should we watch WandaVision?
Wife: She’s probably too young to understand it
3: *draws a rune on the wall*
A party without Vodka is just a meeting.
If God judges me solely on my twenties, I’ll be going to hell in at least five different religions.
“Let me be clear” the sliding glass door said as I face planted it.
me: i wrote you a song, it’s called ‘rudolph the red nose reindeer’
rudolph: it better not be about my nose
me:
rudolph: sing the song keith
My dance moves are best described as a woman trying to put on pants 4 sizes too small, with a wasp flying around her head.
“Bob’s here”
Bob from work or Bob THE HARBINGER OF DEATH
*an icy wind blows as black clouds consume the sky*
“Bob from work”
*clouds recede*
[watching TV]
me: Where are your pants?
toddler: I took them off so I could see better
I thought my wife was super pissed at me, but it turns out she was only “disappointed” in me. Thank God, I definitely dodged a bullet there
[paying the check at dinner]
ME: how much should I tip her?
COW WAITRESS: oh no
I wonder what the part of my brain that used to remember phone numbers is up to these days.
I’d forgo the grocery store, but I’ve seen the way my kids look at me when they’re hungry. Self-preservation is highly motivating.
Buys new collar for my dog. It’s too big! Apparently he thinks it’s jewelry and won’t let me take it off.
Me: happy valentines day
Neil Degrasse Tyson: *slaps heart-shaped box out of my hands* an actual heart is shaped nothing like that
Dear Diary: Day 1 of being a gang member. Wore a bandana today, but took it off after a woman shouted “you go girl!” from across the street.
me: where did you put my gravy boat?
son: on the table, next to the lettuce
me: the lettuce, the ICEBURG lettuce?
son: dad, stop with the titanic jokes
Trainer: “ok, lets warm up 1st….wait, where are you going!?”
Me: “tanning bed”
*doesn’t eat, sleep enough, drinks too much alcohol* WHY DO I FEEL LIKE SHIT
HIM: Happy birthday, honey! I got you a gift basket, just like you wanted
HER: Oh thanks! What’s in it?
HIM: What do you mean, “in it”?
Me: is there anything on my face
Him: no you’re good
[15 minutes later]
Me: omg why didn’t you tell me there’s cheese in my hair
Him: you didn’t ask about your hair
Shark Week is just another made up holiday to sell more sharks
Do werewolves pull their ripped pants down to poop in the woods?
(Recently turned) 14: Can I borrow the car?
Me: What? No!
14: Just practicing.
Kid: Mom, will you play with me?
Me: Sure.
Kid: Okay, pretend you’re dead.
Me: This was the role I was born to play. *lays down and remains motionless for hours*
Me: When do we get to solve mysteries and explore haunted houses?
Gang member: *cocks gun*
Me: Ohhhh, this is a murder gang.
I’m going to the gym now.
Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.
10-year-old: Did you learn cursive in school?
Me: I sure did.
10: Did you have electricity?
We learned by candlelight.
“Do you moan when you eat?”
Me, making small talk in an elevator
You know that you’re officially lost when you turn down the car radio and take off your sunglasses.