I was doing CPR on a co-worker for 5 minutes before someone told me that’s just how she laughs
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Damn CVS sales receipts got caught in the wind
Gentle reminder that you forgot to lock your door and I am in your living room
I’m just saying, if I was a divorce lawyer, I’d locate my firm directly across the street from an Ikea.
*at reading of my will*
Executor: *opens envelope*
‘Ahem…’You selfish, bloodsucking little pricks…’’
Neighbor: Help I have a plumbing emergency!
Me: *grabs tools*
Neighbor is naked and wet
Me: um what kind of plumbing are we talking about?
I just opened a Valentine’s Day card that was filled with heart confetti. I don’t remember the last time I was this angry.
Abs are made in the kitchen, but a six pack can be bought in a store
Come on down to my kid’s restaurant.
Dinner specials include a half-eaten jam sandwich stuck to a couch, some other kid’s water bottle that has dirt in it, and a cheese string that has been in a warm pocket all day. Reservations encouraged.
coworkers whispering: why does he wash it if he’s gonna peel it?
me leaving the break room with a wet banana: morning guys
[Wife rubbing her temples after I told her how my job interview went] What…what do you mean, you “tried some breakdancing”?
The current world population is 7.67 billion people. In 1971, when “Imagine” was written, it was 3.78 billion.
So if you’re listening today you should really only be expected to imagine 49.28% of the people.
Employment is basically an arranged marriage with your coworkers.
daughter: and this one?
me: also carrots
daughter: I don’t like carrots
me: I know[how I’ve kept my 3 year old from opening the family gifts under the tree]
I know the birds that flew south for winter mad as hell right now.
First day as a vet
Him: I need you to take a look at my turtle.
Me: the reptile dysfunction?
If I were British I would carry around a monicle and drop it whenever I was horrified
Now, if you all will excuse me I’m going into my closet and I’m not coming out until I find something with an elastic waist…
At my funeral, I want them to play “Thriller” and have someone that looks like me climb out of a casket, dancing.
(wins at death)
[spelling bee]
Moderator: your word is sentence
Me: can you use it in a sentence?
Moderator: your word is sentence
Friend: We could to Jurassic Park but there are pros and cons
Me: Like what?
Friend: They have dinosaurs. And you can die
Me: And what are the cons?
My wife didn’t post an essay thanking our kids for making her a mom on Facebook and now child services is on the way.
BREAKING NEWS: North Korea may test a missil on April 10. They just need to find a gigantic bottle of Coke and a huge Mento.
<at a baptism>
*leans over*
Me:What’s the WiFi password?
Him:Jesus Christ, dude!
Me:That makes sense….is it case sensitive?
i bet the first guy to say “smooth as a babies bottom” wasnt the most respected man in the community
It should be illegal for ATMs to show you your balance without your consent
I wanna be friends with this person
Pro is good and con is bad, so they should rename the Constitution to Prostitutio-oh, never mind.
Developer: We have a problem.
Manager: Remember, there are no such things as problems, only opportunities.
Developer: Well then, we have a DDoS opportunity.
My friend’s newborn is staring at me with the disdainful contempt of someone who has know me for at least a few weeks longer
Told the guy at the polling station I was there for the Bon Jovi tickets. Without batting an eye he said, “Floor or mezzanine?”