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A protected acct with 0 followers just followed me. Mom, is that you?
well, that freaky sound coming from the basement was just the pipes going wonky
of course, I didn’t have a basement this morning, so that’s a whole different problem
mob boss: i need u take out the rat
[later]
rat: [sets napkin down] the cheese was to die for
me: yes it was
rat: what
If you’re ever chased by a police dog, try not to go through a tunnel, over a little seesaw and through a hoop of fire.
They’re trained for that.
Nephew: Your Christmas hat is ugly. But that’s okay…
Me: Why is it okay that it’s ugly?
Nephew: It matches your face!
Me: 😳😳
[at mechanic]
me: *kicking wheel* this baby needs a realignment
mechanic: we don’t do shopping carts
It’s really telling how society and Hollywood has been producing all sorts of content about others, but almost none about me, personally 🤔
“This is a terrible wine tasting event. ” – me at church.
My kid can name 32 crayon colours but when I ask what colour was that car that backed into our’s he’ll say “a bit like my yesterday’s poop”
Apparently, RSVPing to a wedding invitation with “maybe next time” is wrong.
I know that now…
🤣
three suited men in my coffeeshop. one of them just said, “my personal idea of progress is moving things forward,” which is actually just the definition. everyone’s nodding. guys like this are in charge of every industry and it’s clearly why trains explode
Me: *looking at phone*
Her: *says something*
Me: Uh huh.
Her: *says something*
Me: Uh huh.
Her: Oh, yay! I was afraid you’d say it was too expensive.
Me: Crap.
The answer, my friend, is actually blowing in the wind plus 23.
I went to a club called Innuendos last night. I’m banned but managed to slip in the back doors.
Got my ponytail stuck in the paper shredder again.
*cancels haircut appt*
Paper cut-outs of coins don’t work in parking meters in case you were thinking of trying this out on your own.
How To Avoid Dating
●You’re too young for me.
●I’m too young for you.
●I don’t date men my age.
●Okay, but after I finish my antibiotics.
I asked my wife if I can count on her, she said I always can.
I sat on her lap and said “One, two, three, four, five”
Sarcasm so good, they think you’re being nice.
Bart Simpson is bad for this country of America
me: how do we ask nicely
him:
me: go on
him: PRETTY PLEASE help me deploy my parachute
[being eaten alive by cannibals]
cannibal: is he… joining in?
A guy in my writing group is working on a piece about a superhero who is also a spy who is secretly a double agent. Nobody could convince him that a protagonist with six different names will confuse the hell out of his readers.
I asked my husband if he ever thought about what his life would’ve been like had he married his previous girlfriend instead of me.
Then we laughed and laughed at the absolute impossibility of him answering that question correctly.
[marketing meeting]
Boss: so what did we come up with for these little pieces of potato?
The Witch from Hansel and Gretel: Tater children
Always be careful when you drink and laugh 🤣
@funTweeters Thanks so much she screams throwing glitter all over That is so cool!
Them: “Would you like to eat an entire loaf of bread?”
Me: “No thank you.”
Them: “What if we gave you a pot of cheese and a little poker and called it fondue?”
Me: “I’m in.”
[Restaurant]
Date: I like guys who plan ahead
Me: Excuse me, waiter! *Leans in* Make sure my widow here is well looked after