Shorty got
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
🔘 all of the above
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VAMPIRE: ur making this weird
ME: my neck is ticklish!
The downside of studying law: you think a lawsuit is the solution to all problems. *resists from threatening Dominos for not giving oregano*
You can tell by a woman’s feet how she feels about you. If they are behind her ears, she likes you.
My daughter thinks them being called joggers instead of sweatpants makes them worth $87.
Let’s ride.
So, about a year ago I got the overwhelming feeling of being kicked in the kidneys that comes with the realization that you wanna marry another human. Tested for UTI, and it was negative, so I knew it was real.
if u watch thamksgiving backwards its about a angry family yeling at each other then the uncle says something racist and everyone calms down
It was nice of Microsoft to put their name on Excel after satan created it.
Home is where the bag filled with plastic bags filled with plastic bags filled with plastic bags is.
Doctor: Do you drink alcohol?
Me: Why? What’ve you got?
No thanks, fantasy football. I already have a fantasy boyfriend, a fantasy sex life & a fantasy bank account.
I’m good.
I don’t need to pull an April Fool’s joke on you…apparently life beat me to it.
hey joggers instead of those dumb little shorts you should wear batman costumes so I can feel like my neighborhood is protected
I look at beautiful girls the same way I look at traffic. Meaning that I’m stuck and going nowhere with them
Welcome to innuendo club. This is going to be a long and hard session, if you know what I mean.
Waiter: don’t touch the plate, it’s extremely hot
Me: ok
My Brain: we are 100% going to touch that plate
Me: ok
I wonder why nobody told Forrest Gump’s mom that all you have to do is flip over the box of chocolates and it tells you what’s inside.
settle down twitter crush. i didn’t ask your last name to google you. i wanted to see how it sounded with the names i’ve picked for our kids
At a seminar. Cannot wait to drop someone during a trust fall.
If two people meet and wind up in the bedroom and discover they’re both doms, do they just fight to the death?
Cats are tough negotiators, they leave nothing on the table.
STAGES OF WORKING FROM HOME
– Yay I get to work from home
– It would be nice to talk to people
– I hope that pigeon sits in the window today
When my kids are grown, I’m coming over to their house and taking their forks and then scattering them around town.
Me: Let’s start a mom and daughter journal!
12: It’s called texting.
The grass looks greener on the other side because it’s fertilized with bullshit.
Marriage is the leading cause of Irreconcilable Differences.
Oh what so only roosters are allowed to start the day with screaming
My dog: I can do a magic trick.
Me: what?
Dog: I can turn cat poop into dog poop.
Me: please don’t.
Roses are red,
Change comes with the tide