Me: How do I really create a high
income? How do I pay taxes? How
do I buy a new house?School:
Well actually, Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell.
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once i’ve learned to lay gigantic eggs and run 50 mph, it’s over for you ostriches.
6yr old: *places dolls near me and lays a piece of paper down in front of each of us*
“We’re putting on The Little Mermaid with Ariel, Eric, Ursula, Sebastian And Flounder. Turn over your paper to find out your role.”
Me: *turns paper over, it says “a rock”*
wife: Did you get the cat out of the tree?
me [bleeding] Wasn’t a cat
Disgusting if literal: Liverpool
I left my accordion in the car and forgot to lock it. By the time I got back, it was too late. There were four accordions in there
my kid thinks that if you go to the same drive thru twice in a day you have to wear a disguise so they don’t know it’s you
My black cat just ate my four leaf clover. That can’t be good…….
[evening drive]
3yo: daddy
me: yes sweetie
3yo: the moon is following us
me: *floors it*
Renting a billboard with the word MOIST in giant letters seems like a fantastic way to piss off a lot of people quickly.
*mother squirrel pulls her child away from the curb just as he’s about to cross the street* junior no! wait for a car to come
“We no longer use straws,” he said, handing me two plastic bottles of water. “They’re bad for the environment.”
CNN: We’re not sure but we’ll report it anyway.
Moms. The original autocorrect.
[applying for a home loan]
Lender: how much is your car payment
Me: uhh
Lender: what’s your salary before taxes
Me: umm
Lender: do you know anything
Me: *smugly* a group of cats is called a clowder
I started cleaning the house at 8:00 this morning. And I cleaned for what felt like forever. Finally, at 8:05 I said, “Screw this!” and went back to the couch where I belong.
Could sum up all Indiana Jones movies with ‘finding old stuff violently.’
Did you have a good day or did you grab a rotisserie chicken at the market that wasn’t sealed and the juice spilled all over your feet? And you were wearing flip flops.
If your drinking story doesn’t involve law enforcement, I’m not listening.
me: [crying] it came outta nowhere
tour guide: a spider?
me: biggest teeth I’ve ever seen
guide: [panicking] omg a snake?
me: razor-sharp claws
guide: wait… a koala?! so why are you crying?
me: [wiping tears] such a nice cuddle
Them: if you could be any animal wha-
Me: rotisserie chicken
husband: we should role play tonight
me: ok you be our hot neighbor Chad
husband: huh, that’s oddly specific
me: listen Chad, it’s inappropriate that you’re in my bedroom please leave my husband will be home soon and we’re probably gonna do it
Prince Charming: check out the babe
Doc: oh that’s Snow White, she’s dead
Prince Charming: I should kiss her
Doc: do you really think that might bring her back to life?
Prince Charming: bring her what now?
I lost my phone and it’s on silent. Man! I should’ve listened to Beyonce.
If you need a laugh.. 😅
Someone just told me to dim the lights and called it a beauty tip.
Me, as a judge: OK we’ll take a quick recess now.
*lawyers start discussing lawyer things*
*I go outside and swing on the swingset*
Boss: You’ve been chosen to take a random drug test.
Me: Very cool. So which one am I testing?
#growingpains
It’s hard to walk away seductively in flip-flops.
Liar is such a harsh term, I prefer Politician