Nothing good can come out of answering your landline.
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I think the cat got the dog high.
I had no idea we were millionaires until I just saw my husband casually rip off 3 or 4 paper towels at once.
why is putting on shoes so embarrassing i always end up sat on someone’s hallway floor fighting for my life as they’re trying to say goodbye to me
Do yourself a favour: get a dog. Before I got a dog I was ridiculed for walking around with a bag of shit
Me: When do you install the lasers?
Lasik Surgeon: Ma’am that is not how lasik eye surgery works…
Me: So do they just shoot out my pupils, or…?
just make the entire table out of coaster
Reminding Dad I’m too old for adoption really bums him out because that was one of his favorite threats when I was growing up
[while titanic is sinking]
me: [mouth full of shrimp at the buffet] I can’t believe no one is eating these lol
Watching Escape to the Country. A couple with a budget of 600,000 looking for a house in the Chilterns.
First house: they want the kitchen at the back so they can open it up and extend it. For Hugo.
They want an extra reception room. For Hugo.
They want more space than a 60ft garden offers. For Hugo.
Hugo is one. Yes, one year old.
My resolve to not swear is being severely tested.
All I’m saying is I’d rather stick my hand in a tank of piranhas than dig through my wife’s purse.
Tonight playing poker with a buddy he said “Care to make this interesting?” And I said “Sure. For years I’ve been secretly in love with you”
I can’t believe I have appendicitis in the middle of a global pandemic. this is legit funny like can my body read the room one time???
Abs are for people who can’t afford good food.
“Are you a secret shopper? You have to admit it if I ask. It’s the law.”
“That’s only for narcs.”
“That sounds like something a secret shopper would say…”
Serial killers who work with a partner are called killaborators.
your stripper name is the first two words you see in a newspaper headline while on the phone with your wife pretending to be an old British woman so you can be her nanny and spend more time with your kids
As I move away from the hometown that’s nurtured and protected me ever since I was 9 years old, I fondly wave goodbye to the place that saw me grow from a 50 pound weakling in to a 250 pound weakling.
My wife said “you really have no sense of direction do you?”. I said “where did that come from?” Happy turkey day
It’s wild how I barely notice the flavor of a cucumber when I bite into one, but when I taste an “infused” water I’m like BY JOVE, A CUCUMBER’S BEEN HERE I’D BET MY LIFE ON IT.
Me: I’m just worried something really bad is gonna happen
Them *gives me a hug*
Me: and there it is
The funk soul brother
Me: what do you want for breakfast?
7: a bowl of sugarMe too kid, me too
*points to wrist* this is my Fitbit.
*points to rest of body* this is my fatbit.
Deviled eggs is what happens when the wrong person gets you pregnant…
[Lying on the grass, staring at the full moon]
Her: You looked different in your profile picture.
Werewolf: I forgot to check the calendar
Keith Richards would kill on funny twitter
so my mum bought a lamb for £20 so it doesn’t get killed tomorrow and is planning to keep her in the garden with the dogs???? Honestly wish I could say I’m surprised but it’s very her
Cashier: Your total is $2,334.00.
Me: Can you take off the avocado?
Cashier: Okay, that will be $2.00.
Studies say that if you sleep on the right side of a bed, it means you don’t sleep on its left side.
I was going through a stack of yearbooks yesterday when I saw I was voted “Most Likely to Steal all These Damn Yearbooks”.