I never thought you could get your hand stuck in a ukulele
But here we are
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A customer service employee on the phone just told me they can’t get me an appointment for the same day as the appointment they canceled, but as a courtesy, they won’t CHARGE ME DOUBLE.
I thought I saw a spider on the floor…Turns out it was a paper clip.
It’s dead now.
No need to panic.
My husband ruins every game show by figuring out how much tax the winner will have to pay.
Genie: You can’t have unlimited wishes.
Me: I wish for unlimited genies.
Genie: Son of a
[ugly sweater contest]
*starts sweating*
*takes home the gold*
“What if I took the dumbest person I know, got them severely drunk, and challenged them to finish my sentences?” — inventor of Autocorrect
*at family function..
*superglues jenga tower
the enemy of my enemy is my enemy in law
I just violently threw up for 6 minutes and now my coworkers think I’m the lead singer of Creed.
Wow. I got my first #ChatGPT-written paper for an undergrad assignment on positionality. This line was the tell: “I do not have a personal history, identity, or culture in the traditional sense because I am an artificial intelligence language model.” Ooof!
WIFE: Don’t embarrass me in front of my boss, he’s colorblind
ME: Duh
[later at party]
ME: [to boss] So when did you learn Colorbraille?
i cared about something once— must have been a glitch in the mehtrix
Wife *returns home* anyone called?
Me: yeah, 5 called the baby an idiot.
I knew my wife was having a bad day when she put her tampon behind her ear and couldn’t find her cigarette.
Me, as an undergrad, just starting upper level courses: THERE IS A PROFOUNDLY BEAUTIFUL REASON FOR ALL LAWS OF PHYSICS
Me, as a perpetual graduate student: Light goes that fast because it wants to
Kids be like don’t worry I aimed for the rug so I wouldn’t get your bowl dirty
I’m done travelling by scooter, I moped.
me: can I buy you a drink?
girl: sorry [holds up martini] already got one
me: [spits in it] How about now?
The best murder weapon would be a tupperwear lid because nobody would ever find it
How can I say no to this ?
He kept asking to see “more” of me but for some reason my colonoscopy results were “too much”
Foh
Boss: You took another 2 hr lunch. Were you drinking?
Me: No
B: Tell me our company policy
M: Lol, I can’t even do that when I’m sober
Bear boss: I need to see you two in my office right away.
*I see my coworker is nervous*
Me: Relax, how bad can it be.
Salmon: Shut. Up.
Me: *covers foot with blanket*
Monster 1: *about to grab my foot anyway*
Monster 2: *quickly pulling him back* NO. we have to respect the blanket Franklin
“..so that’s the story of Christmas. Questions?”
Where do turtledoves come from?
“Well, when a turtle and a dove really love each other..”
You scream, we all scream, I apologize for entering the womens bathroom.
I’m at this weird place in my life right now where I’m being chased by police helicopters
The real world does feel a bit like the state of Batman comics right now.
You beat one grinning evil, two more show up, and while you’re fighting them, the first one is resurrected and pretty soon you’re banging the cat lady.
you would not believe that one of the reasons i’m most excited to move out is so i can own a bean bag in every room of my house
My wife and I toss a coin to settle arguments; heads she wins, tails I apologise.