Age is just a number. Unfortunately it’s a number that just keeps getting bigger and bigger.
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This is the tale of Callie who started a service to provide fortune telling and hypnotism while driving people around. As time went on her clairvoyance weakened but her suggestive power grew.
She’s…..
Uber Callie fragile mystic expert at hypnosis
Went to a public park and my 4yo was like, “Is this Disney World?!”
The answer is yes and I’ll cut anyone who tells her differently.
The letter R is just the letter P showing off some leg.
OPTIMUS PRIME: This is just because I’m also a car. I want to be clear, you being inside me is not sexual for me.
ME: Okay but you saying it that way every time makes me feel like it might be.
Date: any pets?
Me: a pet rock
D: lol at least u don’t have to housetrain it
Me: *flashback to piles of pebbles all over my house* haha yeah
I can’t believe there’s this yearly Halloween panic about houses giving out good drugs when people won’t even spring for full-size Snickers
I don’t need a boyfriend so much as I need someone to remind me I’m baking cookies when I wander off to start something else
I remember when rollercoasters were fun, not a daily emotional existence.
I use my imagination to solve problems.
And by imagination, I mean booze.
[sitting up to eat my ice cream] I feel my core getting stronger already
Move the bed into the kitchen, bro
Crazy but true: Over 80 percent of twins seperated at birth have the same exact birthday.
*Remembering the time I took a picture of myself every day for a year without removing the lens cap*
Me: Why are any of us here, really? What’s the point? Is there something bigger?
Cop: No, I meant why are you here, in this bank at two in the morning
*controversially folds piece of paper lengthwise*
~At a snowboarding store.
Him: you need a base grind and a wax, it’s been a while.
Me: i know
Him:…
Me: Wait, what, oh the board…
[kidnapping]
BOSS: Tape his mouth shut.
ME: [puts tiny strip of tape on the hostages mouth]
BOSS: Are you stupid? Put more on.
ME: Oh I’m sorry I forgot tape doesn’t cost money.
I had to deal with the most impatient and rudest cashier.
I’m never using self-checkout again.
Please do it!
Cats do not subscribe to the laws of physics.
If you love someone, set them on fire. If they come back, it’s a phoenix
“No son of mine is going to spend his entire day playing video games!” I tell everyone on various social media sites.
Due to company policies in Canada, some fast food drive-throughs will now present you with the payment machine by taping it to the blade of a hockey stick. I’m not pucking kidding either.
My kids wanted to bake something and now we have to move
– a parenting memoir
I promised you nothing and I’m a man who lives up to his promises.
Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car…..
the batteries in my keys don’t work anymore so now i just say “CHIRP CHIRP!” as i walk away from my car. your move robbers
Steve : I’m going to call it the Steveharmonic orchestra.
*Phil creeps up from behind with baseball bat*
A lot of people ask me “why do you lie about the high number of people asking you things?”
*BF walks in on me surrounded by dozens of empty Reddi Whip cans*
ARE YOU HUFFING AEROSOL?
Me- *Mouth full of whip cream* –
Yeff