This country is bonkers. Toilet paper: gone. Bottled water: sold out. And yet nobody else thought to stock up on the single most important thing. Good luck now suckers! Ya snooze ya lose
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‘Why don’t you come over here and taste these Doritos…’
– Romancing the stoned
I just bought a couple of Christmas presents and got a text from my bank like, “Bro, what are you doing?”
Before I get busy doing nothing, I am taking a 20 minute break.
Her: It’s so sweet of you to cook for me. What are you making?
Me: It’s a special family seafood dish named after my grandmother. It’s called ClamLydia.
Her: I forgot. I already ate.
my parents support me pursuing comedy but they also think the big bang theory is peak comedy so i might be doomed
It’s like the police helicopter that’s been circling my neighborhood for an hour doesn’t even care about us unemployed people trying to watch TV.
Raisins are grape jerky.
Most computer problems stem from the lack of a fatherboard.
No? Ok, I’ll show myself out.
“Draw me like one of your Trash girls”
husband: when is [5]’s birthday
me: same as your mom’s
husband: *blank stare*
Cardio Made Easy
Overheard, my parents, watching the World Cup:
Dad: Who are you routing for?
Mom: I’m routing for it to be over.
If I’ve learned one important thing about the human race, it’s that we don’t need best-before dates on bags of potato chips.
Hear me out. Organ harvest festival.
My mom has more confidence in discovering the truth about the JFK assassination than me finding another husband
Gosh, some tweeters are super nice.
One guy offered to trim my tree and another one wants to stuff my stockings!
please stop making me feed my video game characters. i shouldn’t have the fact they are living better than me rubbed in my face like this.
Protect yourself from bank failures by not having any money in the first place
My son is smart enough to hatch an elaborate plot to get out of going to daycare, but dumb enough to share his scheme with me in exhaustive detail. God bless toddlers.
When I was a kid, we jumped fences, biked without helmets & drank out of public water fountains.
It was a dangerous time, full of microbes.
No thanks, I’m not hungry right now. I’ll just wait until after you put it away and sit down. Then I’ll have some.
-kids
Allow me to demonstrate my special technique of hearing what isn’t being said.
5yo: *sniffling*
Me: “Need a tissue, Bud?”
5yo: *wipes nose with couch* “Why?”
3yo: dad I’m swimming!
Me: amazing but try not to drink so much of the water!
3yo: I keep drinking the water!
Me: I know don’t drink the water!
3yo: I just drank more of the water!
Me: please stop drinking the water!
3yo: my belly hurts!
* Finds what I’m looking for
* Can’t remember why I was looking
This cashier is a moron
-Me at self checkout
My little niece ate her chocolate Easter bunny’s face because she “didn’t like the way it was looking at her”
I’m locking my bedroom door tonight
SNAIL: I’m a turtle?
GOD: No, you’re a snail
SNAIL: I have a shell
GOD: Yup
SNAIL: and I move really slowly
GOD: Yeah, all the time
SNAIL: but I’m not a turtle?
GOD (made too many turtle shells and needed somewhere to put them): you’re a completely different thing
They should just call the news “guess who was an idiot today.”
Just told my dog to say goodnight to his brother, the houseplant