If I had a time machine, I’d go back in time and wait for the first person who ever said it to say “it is what it is” so I could smack them in the back of the head with a shovel.
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I hate it when people try to use big words when they clearly don’t know their meaning. It makes them sound so gelatinous and isosceles.
Damn I just accidentally punched myself in the face while removing a bralette! That will teach me
my mom said she fed the cutest black and white squirrel today. my sister checked the ring camera, it was a literal skunk
Why do people wax their surfboards? A hairy surfboard is a natural and beautiful thing.
This pandemic has gone on for so long, I can’t even remember the last time I touched a doorknob or any kind of knob for that matter.
*Survives the apocalypse
*gets a popcorn kernel stuck in my teeth and dies a slow miserable death
Sometimes when I’m about to sneeze, I snort some glitter. Then when I finally sneeze, glitter fills the air and people think I’m a wizard.
Beyoncé: I cannot wait to slum it with some earth mortals at – wait what is it called again?
Jay-Z: Coachella.
Beyoncé: Coachella.
Me: Throw in a few extra this time.
Pharmacist: We’ve talked about this.
[reading online survey]
Are you ready to double your satisfaction?
My god this sounds wildly inappropriate.
*clicks yes*
What do you call a cappuccino with an old friend?
A catchupino.
#RubbishJokes
me: i just love traveling!
my basketball coach: that’s what i want to talk to you about
The Lost & Found Desk at the casino was no help whatsoever in locating my $762.
I practice with my nunchucks in the driveway to prevent intruders.
Judge: You’re out of order!
Lawyer: This whole court room is out of order!
*I burst in*
Me: THE VENDING MACHINE IN THE LOBBY IS OUT OF ORDER
*presses wheelchair accessible button*
*rolls 5 year old in on dolly restrained like Hannibal Lector*
“We’re here for a haircut.”
ME: *catches the bouquet* Yes! I’m next, losers! Haha!
SOME RELATIVE: This is a strange funeral reception.
[gets on Facebook]
[types “you pushed me away but expected me to stay”]
[everyone nods, this is considered extremely good shit on there]
ME: [finding hidden compartment] OMG what the heck is this?
WIFE: The washing machine
Health food? Baby, my body is a ’93 Honda hatchback with a headlight out. I’m not about to start putting premium gas in it now.
I hope your spoon slides into your soup
My tumbleweed is never where I left it.
me: I Love You!!
oldest: I love you too!!
middle: *silence*
youngest: Thank you.
I WON A HAM TODAY
Retweet to save a life.
#NationalGirlfriendDay
How can anyone focus on world peace when we can’t even get everyone to use the same date format?
very few whales can do a kickflip but also very few skateboarders could eat 40 million krill in one day, everyone has their strengths and weaknesses
A friend was talking about her cat bringing her another dead mouse and my ADHD brain did a side quest imagining my snake calling a cat for Door Dash.
me *brings toddler his popsicle* What do you say?
toddler: Finally
Leap years mean nothing when you have bad knees.