Not in the turkey day spirit? Every time someone wishes you a Happy Thanksgiving just look them in the eye and say Gobble.
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My sex life has improved so much I’m thinking of asking someone else to join me…
No, you typed your password instead of the amount in the payment window.
Sometimes I’ll show my husband the chewed up food in my mouth just so he’s reminded of the delicacy and beauty of the flower he chose.
Fellow senior citizens:
If a young person replies “dead” to your joke, they liked it.
You don’t need to push your lifealert button.
Government: You can flee Athens as an exile, or you can die.
Socrates: Oh ok I’ll just die
Government: You can just like… go move somewhere else.
Socrates: Yeah, but packing :-/
Make up for past mistakes by frequently repeating them in new and astonishing ways.
I flirt with the devil from time to time just to let him know what he’s what missing.
Bro I’m not afraid to die I’ve ordered calamari at like 8 different diners
Headed to the gym. Gonna work on my diptroids. My gluteralids. My quadrapeps. Maybe my trapaceptals. Definitely my vocabulary.
No thanks, Cosmo. I already know 20 ways to drive my man crazy in the bedroom. Any room really. Unintentionally. I’m difficult to be with.
Look at you, putting your bag of popcorn into a bowl like the Queen of England.
Getting vaccinated in Canada isn’t complicated. All you have to do is find an old raccoon, correctly answer their riddles, accept a quest to go on a hike through the Northwest Territories to locate an ancient bottle of maple syrup where you will be greeted by an old witch who-
Honestly people shouldn’t even be allowed to talk until they’re like 35 years old.
i thought crypto and bitcoin were x-men characters
*grandma climbs into time machine*
*shuts the door behind her*
MOM NANA IS STUCK IN THE GRANDFATHER CLOCK AGAIN
me: hips like a canadian goose
girl in club: is that good?
You be amazed how many times I’ve been wrong when people say “guess what” ?
“you’re your mother” — full name of cellist yo yo ma
3yo: welcome to my store.
Me: thank you how much for this apple?
3yo: ummm fifty dollars.
Me: wow and these grapes?
3yo: um SIXTY dollars.
Me: geez how about this lemon?
3yo: FIFTY AND SIXTY DOLLARS!
and this still isn’t the most expensive grocery store in nyc
I would like to publicly state my support for Some Sex Marriage.
What’s that? You want to hear my impression of an owl that repeats itself?
Well I couldn’t give two hoots.
I don’t hold grudges. I pose with them.
“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
From mommies.
“How do they get inside?”
CAN’T U ASK WHY THE SKY IS BLUE HAVEN’T U WONDERED ABOUT THAT
My teenage son says that fanny packs are back in style at his high school. I HAVE BEEN WAITING FOR THIS MOMENT MY ENTIRE LIFE!
Instead of walking faster when someone holds a door open for me, I slow down to test their door holding resolve.
You probably get this a lot but…
*punches you in the face*
Still waiting on Gwen Stefani to release a song explaining budgeting.
PILOT: sorry for the delay, everyone. we’ll make up some time in the air
[1 hr later]
PILOT: it is now 67:91 o’clock guys
watch only the first and last episodes of How I Met Your Mother. you’re welcome
Wonder why we didn’t get blimp sky view coverage of game.
FBI: oops wrong one