A good way to get out of a conversation is to take off one of your socks and hand it to the person talking…
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My wife is a gluten free vegetarian, if you want to know what life in culinary purgatory is like.
Our wifi is down and I had to fap using only my imagination like some kind of savage 🙁
*Clark Kent leaves his glasses on the coffeemaker at work*
Lois: Anyone see the coffeemaker? You, with the glasses…seen the coffeemaker?
Social distancing in Australia:
20% of traffic accidents involve deer.Who allowed deer to drive in the first place?
TRUMP: I’m gonna lose, huh?
RYAN: Yes.
[silence]
TRUMP: Thank God.
RYAN: I know
TRUMP: I’d be SO bad at it
RYAN: We literally all might die
If anyone asks why I’m not in a relationship I’m going to tell them it’s due to supply chain shortages.
Dear women who just gave birth,
Stop naming your child ‘Khalessi’.
Sincerely,
The rest of the human race
ME: I dislike myself
THERAPIST: That’s quite common
ME: Really?
THERAPIST: Yes, for example, I don’t like you
The lady from HR challenged me to name one of my boss’s good qualities and the best I could come up with is “he’s biodegradable”
Left my phone in my 1yo’s room during his bedtime and snuck back in to get it. Then, left my phone in my 3yo’s room during her bedtime and snuck back in to get it. I am both winning parenting and losing my mind
Me: *cutting fingernails*
Man next to me on bus: please stop cutting my nails
Judas: How long are your arms?
Jesus: Why?
Judas: Like in a cross, how long
Jesus: A what?
Judas:Across. How long across.
I don’t get vegetables on my pizza because I don’t like mixing business with pleasure
My wife and kids are away so it’s just me in the house and I was just awoken at 1:45 a.m. by the Alexa in the other room saying, “Sorry, I didn’t catch that.”
of course you were in it i told you it was a nightmare
Guys, if you forget your girl’s birthday, just look into her eyes and say, “I love you.” Then run, because that is not going to help.
I fall and drown in the lake. They pull out my body. “It’s so bloated and grotesque” says one. “He only fell in a minute ago” says another
“Do you smoke the devil’s lettuce?”
Mom, why the h*ck would I smoke coleslaw
[arrives at party]
ME: This was a good idea.
*30 seconds later*
MY WILL TO LIVE: I’m gonna go wait in the car.
There is nothing like a little tomato soup to soothe the soul, even if it’s cold, over ice, with a celery stalk and vodka.
At first I hated this, but my wife forced me to live with it a while, now I love it for some reason.
stop abbreviating phrases where every word has one syllable (OMG, ILY). start abbreviating long sentences. that’s how u save time. ILYFYB (i’m leaving you for your brother) or SWAYTAIUMELFY (stacy what are you talking about i uprooted my entire life for you). much easier
Sure sex is great and all but have you ever watched someone trip over a curb while getting out of a Bentley?
When you send a risky message to your crush and wait for the reply
I’m just gonna give this to you…and you feel free to do whatever you like with it. Nooooo pressure…
*slides deodorant across the table*
My husband and I have reached the age that neither of us will get up to investigate even the strangest of noises.
me: how much for the wireless mouse?
pet store employee: that’s a hamster
*Sneezes*
Dating: Bless you
Engaged: You’re adorable
Married: We need to talk
Dad just found my Twitter. Fame is a double edged sword. On an unrelated note, church today was so much fun and I got so much studying done.