Damn girl, are you a maple tree? Cause I would tap that, and you have an impressive root structure which is where this metaphor falls apart.
You Might Also Like
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
My grandma accidentally swallowed a fly. Feeding her a spider now…
No one makes eye contact in a restroom after being “loud” in a stall.
Women because they’re embarrassed
Men because they’ll start laughing
how to achieve the perfect smokey eye: apply eyeliner yesterday
[painfully braiding my jellyfish] but not having you as a friend would hurt more
billy joel: we didn’t start the fire
detective: I haven’t mentioned a fire
billy joel: shit
the name “alvin and the chipmunks” implies that while simon and theodore are chipmunks, alvin himself is something else, something far more sinister
it’s my first birthday in four years so say happy birthday to me rn or i’ll k*ll u with my bare hands
White people don’t dance at concerts so they can save all their energy for the “Woo!” at the end of a song.
HIM: whatcha thinkin’ about?
ME: *thinking about how polar ice caps are melting yet Santa still gives naughty children coal instead of a clean, renewable resource alternative* …oh, nuthin’
“This isn’t my first rodeo.” He said, confidently. “Now help me get on this pointy cow.”
No. I wasn’t being sarcastic.
I was being a giraffe.
On average most people gain 7 pounds during the holiday season. So, looks like I’m way ahead of schedule.
One time I broke up with a girl so she took my silverware divider and that’s the kind of pettiness I look for in a mate.
onna these days onna these millionaires needa finally make my “wheres that steak smell comin from” app. im in front of a bookstore, this aint it
ME: Happy Valentine’s Day! Enjoy these chocolates.
HER: Ugh, these are all coconut. Did you get me anything else?
ME: *awkwardly hands her a bouquet of coconuts*
Me: The face is a tortilla. The eyes are banana slices and the mouth is made of peanut butter. His name is Bertram. He’s my best friend.
[12 minutes later]
Me: I have eaten my best friend.
[gains weight] ugh clothes don’t fit
[loses weight] ugh clothes don’t fit
A horse, a penguin and a chimp walked into a bar and that’s when I realised I was drunk.
My favorite thing to do at a rock and roll concert is to yell “kiss, kiss, kiss” every time the guitarists stand close together and face each other to riff
Are you from iraq? …..cause i wanna see you baghdad ass up
Guy cuts me off in traffic.
I give him the finger.
He gives me the finger.
I give him my number.
We’re married now.
I love October because we finally turn the AC off, then turn the heat on at 5am, then turn the heat off by 7am, then open up the windows at 9am, then close the windows at 12pm, then turn the AC back on by 1pm, then turn the AC off again at 7pm, then turn the…
I didn’t know any of my neighbor’s names before getting a dog but now I know their names are Kylo’s mom, Phoebe’s dad, Max’s mom and Bo’s parents
If I ever met the Dalai Lama, I would ask him a question that has plagued me my entire life.
“What color do Smurfs turn if you choke them?”
My kids can be so quiet, comatose almost. Until I am on a phone call.
Called in, “It’s not you. It’s me,” this morning.
ME: OMG I love quizzes. Next question!
COP: Where were you the night of murder?
Me: I want you to have this bracelet. it belonged to my grandmother.
Her: why does it say “do not resuscitate”
I love when British people call it a “rubbish bin,” like my kitchen trash got a monocle