Stop telling me your newborns weight and length. I don’t know what to do with that information.
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“Ewww what is wrong with your mouth?”
Me thru coated lips:
I read that peanut butter is good for chapped lips. What? You think I should have used creamy?
“Why do raisins have an expiration date? What’s gonna happen, they get shrivelier??”
Interviewer:…
“Oh you mean questions about the job!”
[at a loud bar]
HIM: [yelling] DO U HAVE ANY PLANS AFTER THIS?
HER: [also yelling] YES I DO ACTUALLY HAVE PLANTS THAT I KISS
ME WATCHING SUCCESSION S01E01: so i guess these guys do business or something?
ME WATCHING SUCCESSION S02E10: roman’s bid to secure private funding would have won the proxy war but ultimately the capital wasn’t reliable enough to prevent the firm from h
I needed a laugh this morning.
You can say whatever you want in front of your kids until they learn to talk, then you gotta button that shit up. They’ll rat you out in a second
*Lips to mike
Mike: Do I know you?
I get Botox so my face won’t show people what I really think.
Doctor: I’m sorry, but your Dad’s in a coma.
Teen: Huh?
Doctor: He’s in airplane mode now.
Teen: OHHH NOOOOO!!
Dear Couples Who Fight In Public, stop trying to whisper and would it kill you to include some backstory.
How to unravel a sweater…
A thread 🧵
Please, please, please… invite me to your party. I promise I won’t show up.
Stop destroying the earth. This is where I keep all my stuff.
*1st date*
[be cool, just dont let her know youre a 1st generation PS3]
so where do y-
*internal cooling fan drowns out entire conversation*
Well, well, well, look who is who he says he is.
~The guy with the blue check by his name.
Wife – You ate all of the Reeses eggs?
Me – You left them out in the open on the top shelf under the shirts in the back of the closet.
Him: I like meatier girls.
Me: I killed the dinosaurs.
Him: What?
Me: What?
I’m not fat. Just retaining cookies.
Man of Steel question. When young Clark Kent was wearing a cape in the yard, who was he pretending to be? Liberace?
You get what you pay for. Unless the delivery man leaves it on your doorstep. Then the fastest person on your street gets what you paid for.
Woman: Is it a boy or a girl, doctor?
Doctor: It’s a mango. A perfectly ripe mango
Woman: Oh thank GOD. I hate babies
My daughter asked me what it’s like to have kids so I interrupted her every 11 seconds until she cried.
Him: How was your day?
Me: Do you think my house key is sharp enough to sever a carotid artery?
Him: *opens four bottles of wine*
Roses are red,
except for all of the other colors of roses that have been in existence for thousands of years. Those are different colors.
WIFE: how old is your daughter?
WIFE’S FRIEND: she’s eight going on nine.
ME: *whispering* That’s how numbers work
Facebook: People trying to save the world one uneducated post at a time
boy, pass me my luxury grilled pregnant smelt
Since he knows me best, I’m adding my bartender as a LinkedIn reference.