I’d rather lose the Super Bowl than have Gatorade poured on me.
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groan^2
Her: What’s with the dozen donuts?
Me: They’re for my meeting at work.
Her: Isn’t it a zoom meeting?
Me: And?
2 things I hate;
1)Hypocrites
2)and people who don’t finish anyth
Boy never ceases to amaze me
Wordle is trying to tell me something
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[hearing burglar noises downstairs, my dog and I exchange worried glances]
Dog: I guess I could protect you?
Me: dude you’ve been in one fight in your life and that was with a blanket
I followed this woman on a bike with an empty baby seat for a half a mile yelling, “your baby jumped out!” before she gave me the finger.
Pro tip: If he pretends he can’t hear you, talk some shit about his mother.
20% of traffic accidents involve deer.Who allowed deer to drive in the first place?
the subway employee asks me what kind of cheese i would like on my sandwich, so i lean in, look them directly in the eyes & whisper, “haunted.”
i love modern commerce
turns out Xenophobia is not ‘A fear of Warrior Princesses’
Husband: *buys anything* Let’s save the box in case we need to return it.
[2 years and 250 boxes later]
Me: Honey, the kids are lost in your box maze again.
Adulting, but it’s just me reminding my kid every day which grown-up words he shouldn’t say in kindergarten
“If you were a spy and having drinks at a spy bar, what would you want?”
“I could tell you, bud, I’d have tequila.”
There are two ways to survive adversity: You become stronger or you become smarter.
I became fatter.
PHARMACIST : Take this medication with food.
ME : Relax, buddy. I take everything with food.
[blind date]
HER: I’m a Nihilist
ME {trying to impress her}: Egypt is a beautiful country
My workout goals are simple: I’d just like to be able to get up off the floor without looking like a turtle trying to flip itself back over.
*first date*
Me: Tell me more about you
Her: *crazy eyes* WELL I HAVEN’T STABBED ANYONE LATELY
Me: *deletes Tinder* Let’s get married!
Why is judge the only job where you can bang a little hammer to make people shut up I’ve needed that in literally every job I’ve had
My only local Taco Bell has closed, please respect my privacy at this difficult time
Greatest days of my life:
3) Day I got married
2) Day my first kid was born
1) Day Facebook let you turn off notifications for their games
My daughter [air quotes] camped outside the house with 7 of her friends last night.
*ran an extension cord from the house to charge their phones and had uber eats delivered in the backyard directly to their tents.
Don’t get why guys complain about “sleeping on the couch”
I pay good money to sleep on the couch, but I wish the shrink would shut up.
y’all make fun of men without bed frames but guess who physically can’t have monsters under the bed now, huh?
Me, walking out of a store: *wow all these dudes are staring at ME? A middle aged mom? Ok. Yeah. Sure. I mean I guess I’m still hot maybe, ok yeah good for me*
Me, an hour later: *ok so I tucked my dress into my underwear a few hours ago I see that now NEVERTHELESS*
My family used to move a lot when I was a kid, but I always found them.
When I first met my husband I knew I’d see him again because I stole his watch.
When you tell me to “Go outside and play” you mean go outside & then back inside, then outside, then inside a million times, right?
– kids