my 1-year-old just said “if politicians were more concerned with serving their constituents and less with appeasing their plutochrat overlords, then the rampant income inequality at the heart of our society’s disfunction might not exist goo goo ga ga” and honestly i felt that
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Just realized telling moms we have a lice scare gets me out of everything and I wish I’d thought of this earlier in my parenting journey.
sometimes i call watermelons summer pumpkins and nobody ever knows what im talking about.
ME: [explaining to a class of students] The real reason sharks lose teeth so often is because they have a very bad memory
ZOOKEEPER: [into walkie-talkie] She’s back
People who say “You can’t argue with that” really don’t know me very well.
wife: did you vacuum under the couch
me: yep I did the whole basement
I accidentally put my yoga pants on backwards this morning; and I’m absolutely horrified to say, they’ve never fit better.
One day we will tell our grandkids how far we had to scroll to get to the recipe.
The entire world is the kid in the back seat asking are we there yet. Politicians are the parent saying “soooo close” and scientists are the honest parent.
The worst thing about switching from Android to an iPhone is the almond milk.
What do we want?
“A CURE FOR PASSIVE AGGRESSION”When do we want it?
“Whatever, you decide. You’re the smart one.”
*sees a very smooth rock*
me: nice rock
my brain: put it in your mouth
me: no?????
[being murdered]
me: hey are u Scottish
murderer: actually i am
me: then i guess u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
What
Son: [cracks knuckles]
Me: Oh yeah? [stands up and knees and back make bubble wrap noises for 20 seconds]
Dumped girl on The Bachelor: “What’s wrong with me?”
Well, Lindsay, you’re on a TV show to find a husband. What ISN’T wrong with you?
mother-in-law (on FB): I’m tired of everyone being so condesending
*wife tackles me before I can write “you spelled ‘condescending’ wrong”*
Is my kitchen floor clean enough to eat off? No. Does that prevent me from eating off it? Also no.
Me: Are those fries seasoned?
Waiter: They’ve seen a few things.
I get it, McFlurry machine. I don’t work when I’m at work either.
Teen girl in mirror “I look like death!”
[Meanwhile in Hell]
Death scoffs & flips his hair “Yeah, as if”
My doctor just asked me if I wanted a shot and I think I answered correctly because we are in a bar and this whiskey tastes really good
Scuba instructor: Sharks can sense blood in a 2 mile radius.
*everyone turns to glare at me as I floss for the first time this year*Me: What?
And Jesus said “If the lepers cannot afford healthcare, let them suffer, for poverty is a character issue.”
can’t stop reading about defunct consumer brands
A moment of silence for our dear friend, liquid water, who did not survive the 100° temperature… You will be mist…
How loud can you talk?
-Alcohol
You should’ve seen the confused look on my neighbor’s faces when they came downstairs to a fresh pot of coffee this morning.
You play the victim so well you probably have chalk in your pocket to outline your body
My husband’s coming home from a work trip, so I’m putting dishes in the sink to make it look like I didn’t eat toast on a paper towel for five days.