When your surrounded by idiots, just remember, murder is illegal and sarcasm is way more satisfying.
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A 23 yr old girl just said I feel like I see people & I think they’re my age then I find out they’re OLD!! Like, THIRTY!!
So I killed her.
I know how to pronounce worcestershire until I see it written.
I’m not saying I’m getting fat, but my dirty talk in bed is mostly just recipes for pies.
date: I wrote a book on lions
me: *mouthful of pasta* wouldn’t paper have been easier?
Me: I have a problem.
Her: We’re married. Whatever it is, it’s our problem now.
Me: Ok. We had an affair with the neighbour’s daughter.
Music is a scam. You can listen to all kinds of other noises for free
She said we needed to talk and…
I said, “Yeah, I think we should break up, too.”
She said, “About where to eat.”
“Oh,” I said, “Pizza?”
women in PHLEGM (Philosophy, History, Languages, English Literature, Geography, Music)
Me: *interviewing a potential coworker*: why did you leave your previous job?
Him: I was fired
Me: what for?
Him: I knocked my boss out
Me: How fast can you join?
We’re not really in the same boat if you’re the only one with a life jacket
Brandy Carlile implies the existence of Whiskey Buscrocodile.
I bought a round area rug from IKEA, and these instructions not only saved me hours of confusion, they really helped me plan my weekend
My husband watched me clean the entire house today, and then asked me if I had a relaxing day.
I get why the spouse is the first suspect.
therapy dog: tell me your problems, sugar
Nobody:
Your Mom: You remember my friend Carol? Well her daughter’s coworker is having a baby.
My dog gives me attitude when getting his paws wiped off after being outside. It must be just awful to get rewarded with foot massages just for using the bathroom.
Nicholas Cage was only good in FaceOff because he was played by John Travolta.
My husband and I are planning a vow renewal later this year. Quick question: Dunk tank or no dunk tank at the reception?
People often name their kids after their favourite movie characters. I don’t know why my daughter Chewbacca is so upset with me.
[2 friends fighting at Denny’s]
Chicken: *gritting teeth* I’ll have the bacon
Pig: *staring down the chicken* And I’ll be having the EGGS!
Caught my son smoking pot then my wife walked in and caught me and our son smoking pot. Anyways I’m grounded.
My home security system growing up was my parents telling me not to open the door for anyone.
Do I lie completely still during sex? Yes, but what makes me unique is I mutter “light as a feather, stiff as a board” while I do it.
“I better pee first.”
– me, before doing anything
*knocks on woman’s washroom*
Hello anyone in here?
*no one answers*
*runs in & lifts up every toilet seat*
HAHAHA
*runs away giggling*
I hate it when I’m outside & an insect lands & crawls on my glasses & for a split second I think aliens have invaded.
[ER visits, by age]
Doctor: How did this happen?
Me at 24: I was trying to dunk a basketball.
Me now: I was reaching for my glasses.
[date]
HER: *staring into my eyes* Whatcha thinking about?
ME: *daydreaming about dogs on trampolines* Just you, girl.
My dog eats his puke and dirty tissues… but I point him to a mushroom I dropped and he gives me the “what is this shit” look.
For a good party trick, drill a hole in the top of your medicine cabinet and fill it with marbles before you invite people over.