All of my friends are getting married and loving their careers and then there’s me, luring wayward ships into the rocks with ethereal songs.
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Interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
Me: yeah I spent ages on it then Word did that thing where all the paragraphs go weird
Interviewer: I mean where you didn’t work for 6 months
Me: well I had to recover from the Word thing
I mistook a flash flood warning for a neighboring town as a “flash mob” announcement. So, when I showed up for it, I looked stupid.
And my shoes got wet.
Me: I’ll give you a Wednesday for two Mondays
Stock Broker: that’s not how day trading works
I just learned that snails can sleep for 3 years at a time and it looks like I have a new spirit animal (sorry wombats)
My ex-wife and I broke up over religious differences. I was agnostic and she was Satan.
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: Was it the air guitar?
Cop: *shy* Yeah can… can I get your autograph?
Me: Happens all the time.
Cop: Thanks!
Me: Hey! This is a ticket!
When a celebrity tweets a whiny complaint at an airline, I vigilantly pray for them to get stranded on a runway for 72 hours.
Remember when a guy was coming over to hook up so texted me “addy?” and I said “no thanks” because I thought he meant adderall instead of address so then he was just like “oh ok” and didn’t come over? I do. How could I forget
If you can read this, you’re standing too close to my iPhone!
[arguing with my wife]
WELL AT LEAST I DON’T BRING UP THINGS FROM THE PAST LIKE YOU DID LAST MONTH
[1692 Salem]
“BURN THE WITCH”U HAVE A CROOKED NOSE, WITCH
“No, Frank, at the stake”
[quickly lighting torch]
Right, I knew that.
As it turns out, ‘harder’ is a terrible safe word
Thanksgiving regret: no one at dinner wanted to talk about why the family members on TV’s “Dinosaurs” were all different species of dinosaur
me: can i withdraw a million dollars
banker: from which account
me: like whoever has the most
Boss: “you’re fired”
Me: “I guess we’re just gonna have to agree to disagree”
[feels adventurous]
As a kid: *climbs a tree*
As a teen: *dyes hair*
In my 20s: *backpacks thru Europe*
In my 30s: *tries a new TV show*
i’m vegan but i’m not annoying about it, like i eat meat and stuff
Sorry I missed your wedding, but Netflix just autoplays the next episode now.
Son: *repeatedly yelling Dad*
Me: Dad’s in the garage.
Son: *repeatedly yelling Dad but louder now*
*eating freshly baked cookies*
4: I want lots more!
Me: you’ve had a lot already… I don’t want you to get a stomachache
4: but *I* want a stomachache!!!
Parenthood is mostly making sure your kids eat healthy but also occasionally giving them fast food so your liver stays healthy
What’s the normal amount of hair to mail someone? I feel like this is a lot of hair I’m mailing to someone
Historians: so we’re gonna name this war the 80 years war
Me: so that means it lasted 80 years right
Historians: you FOOL. you utter buffoon. You ignorant being
Had to pause Willy Wonka & The Chocolate Factory to go buy a king sized Snickers. This is why i can not watch Breaking Bad.
[VIDEO] John Oliver Agrees With You For 22 Minutes
If you can’t say something nice, say something mortifying and kinky.
[edison inventing lightbulb]
[match appears over his head]
I have an idea
Husband: Trust is fundamental to marriage.
Me:
Husband:
Me: I’m still not letting you cut my hair.
Bit creepy of my maths teacher to put a little kiss after each answer.