I waited around all morning for the mailman so I could grab his hand through the mail slot.
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It’s really disturbing how that bear family in those Charmin commercials are so open with each other about shitting.
Free tip for home invaders: literally everybody with an iPhone6 is out at brunch right now
The early bird gets the worm but the early worm gets eaten, so… I choose sleep.
me: just checkin to see if you’re ok, missed you at dinner
telemarketer who calls at the same time every day: oh hey it’s not a good time, can I call you back
[Getting back into van after museum heist]
Me: Hey guys did you know that Neanderthals buried their dead?
Nice car! I’ll bet it goes fast!Aww — and you’re getting the door for me. What a gentleman! Sit in the back? Wow! My own chauffeur. I feel like a queen! Handcuffs? I’m not opposed — but seems a bit presumptuous for a first date.
Last time I’m saying it lady, you’re under arrest.
ok so i’m watching gladiator and the romans are white people with british accents. ok hollywood. alright.
This is a terrible time for kidnappers.
Lord of the Rings: A Shortened Version
-Give me the ring.
-No.
first my neighbor liked my electric fencing, then he was on the fence, and now he’s dead set against it
[looking at an old pic of me and my wife in college]
Me: Wow, you used to be hot
Wife: *death glare*
Me: …but not as hot as you are now
It’s as though the guy beside me in traffic earlier had never seen a woman take her bra off without removing her shirt before
My therapist said to choose a “calming” word to keep repeating to myself when I’m angry. I chose “Stabbing”.
We’ll see if it helps.
*joins Buddhist monastery*
*withstands 21 years of brutal kung-fu training*
So, vending machine that didn’t drop my funyuns. We meet again.
Date: What do you do?
Me *holds up menu* you just choose a meal from this book of food
Her: Baby, do that thing that makes me hot
Me: *kisses her neck*
H: *slaps me* I MEANT turn the thermostat up dummy, it’s freezing in here
When a grammar Nazi gets sad give them a hug and say “There, their, they’re.”
Friend: How’s the new job?
Me: Can’t complain
Friend: What’s with the beeping collar?
Me: *starting to cry* Can’t complain
“Cool.” was my spouse’s text reply to me getting our Pearl Jam tickets today.
So anyway, after I bury the body in the back yard, I have an extra ticket if someone wants to go.
Headed to the local Memorial Day parade so the boys can get a bunch of candy I’ll be throwing away in 6 months.
What rank in the military do you need to get to before they let you be fat?
I miss @ddrwg again. Here’s a link to one of my favorite tweets from Sonny.
Baby showers are fun until someone has too much champagne and starts a plastic knife fight over a corner piece of cake.
I need a ride home.
God: What’s that?
Noah: The aquarium
God: For what?
Noah: The fish
God: Fish can survive floods
Noah: *kicks llama* YOU SAID EVERY ANIMAL
Casual: Rob a bank
Fancy: Robert a bank
And then the devil said, “tell her to calm down.”
“You can eat your eyeball after you clean your room.” Me, still parenting with Halloween candy.
Me: The other day I saw a bottle of wine in my fridge and pet it like it was a dog because I was so happy to see it…wait what was your question?
Them: I asked how being a mom of three boys was going, but I have my answer.
Sorry about my outburst. I was under the influence of common sense
Me: That’s a very interesting sculpture
Her: It’s Mayan
Me: Yes, I know it’s yours. You don’t have to be a jerk about it