“Can I ask you a question?” – my daughter, 73 questions ago
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Boss: You need supervision.
Me: *squints really, really hard*
The Canadian authorities should bring in Billy Joel for questioning.
in a senior moment, i forgot the word for bologna, so I said, “you know…ummm…hotdog pancakes!”
My mother was so overprotective we were only allowed to play rock, paper.
If watching 80’s music videos has taught me anything, it’s that you don’t need talent if you have a fog machine.
When I am really mad, I pronounce your name as frenchly as possible.
Wife must be planning to paint the house. I found plastic & tape under our bed. Not sure what the shovel & pistol are for.
You don’t know rock bottom until someone tries to tickle your neck fat.
[first date]
Damn girl, are you ordering a third omelette? Then omelette you pay this bill! Lol!
No but seriously I forgot my wallet.
“Don’t judge a book by its cover” is the worst advice ever.
That’s literally where title is. And the description. All the information about the book besides the actual story is ON THE COVER.
I bet the women who only tweet about sex are probably some of the nicest men you’ll ever meet in person.
My dentist said my teeth were stained and asked if I smoke or drink coffee? I said, “I drink it.”
She gives you butterflies.
She makes your hands sweat.
She sends chills down your spine.She just gave you her stomach virus.
Why would you ask me for directions?
You just saw me walk into a closed door.
5: I accidentally opened this bag of chips so I should probably eat them all, right, Mom?
Me: NO! Put the chips away, have a piece of fruit.
Also me, that night: welp, might as well finish off this sleeve of cookies or they’ll probably go bad.
I may not look like the toughest guy at the bar but I was a psychology major, I studied writing for decades, and you do NOT want me sending your boss a message on LinkedIn
When you’re on a date that’s not going well, just start talking about genital psoriasis.
You’re welcome.
I’m pretty smart – unless it’s turning on the right burner on the stove
I’m really bad at measuring the correct amount of pasta when cooking, so if you and 79 of your friends want spaghetti tonight…I got extra.
Practice self-care like a lighthouse, let your problems crash all around you but avoid it by gazing mindlessly off into the distance.
I booked a suite at a 5 star hotel and when my girlfriend arrived,on the bed spelled out in rose petals was “be right out,I’m taking a shit”
love when my grandparents tell me the story of how they met and got together because suddenly I find myself googling things like “statute of limitations India” “how to report a crime from 1942” “can I report a crime in India if I live in America”.
A fun thing about parenthood is that even when you get to close the bathroom door you’re never really alone
11yo, urgently: “Mom. MOM!”
Then she leaned in conspiratorially and whispered, “We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty.”🥲
[job interview]
“Under skill it says nicknames?”
“You know it Sex Dragon.”
“Sex Dragon wants to know when you can start?”
Brenda from work unfollowed me on here so now I have to follow her around the office all day reading my tweets like a news broadcaster
*starts the “Fight Fight Fight” chant in the background of the conference call as two people argue*
CYCLOPS: How do u spell Hawaii?
WIFE [biting lip] well..u need 2 i’s
CYCLOPS [puts pen down] my life is just a joke to u isn’t it Linda
PESSIMIST: Dark tunnel.
OPTIMIST: Light at the end of the tunnel.
REALIST: A train.
TRAIN OPERATOR: 3 idiots standing on the tracks.
Bigfoot keeps his legs in shape by doing sasquats