Me: actually, EVERY date will never happen again
Her: *getting up* okay but this is REALLY never happening again
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Got in a relationship 15 hours ago and right on schedule, 3 men from my past have hit me up
Cover letter? Here’s my resume twice.
[coworker interrupting my story about how my weekend was] first of all McDonald’s doesn’t even have soup
[customer service desk]
customer: hi, I’d like to make a return
me: ok great I’ll see you later then
They say olive oil is really healthy and you should put it on everything, but it makes my cat look like an otter.
Therapist: why can’t you introduce your two groups of friends to each other?
Me: [told one group my name was the space cowboy and the other it was the gangster of love] I just can’t ok
New dad: my kid started teething it’s awful.
Me: want some advice?
New dad: please!
Me: step 1 get a bottle of whiskey.
New dad: okay.
Me: step 2 drink it all.
*In a Bedroom at a Halloween Party*
Woman Dressed as Nurse: That’s a cool effect.
Man Dressed as Dracula: Vat effect are you referring to?
Her: You’re not casting a reflection in the mirror.
Dracula:
Her: oh
Hiking the trails at home, every twig breaking is a serial killer.
Hiking the trails in the mountains, every twig breaking is a mountain lion.
“As the crow flies” means something entirely different when it’s “in your living room” and you are “hiding in the closet with your cat.”
Pro Tip: make your honeymoon boring and uninteresting so that the rest of your marriage feels like an improvement.
*shopping*
4yo: I found pajamas with a t-rex on them. We can go home now
Me: We need other stuff too
4yo: No. This is all we need. Let’s go!
Her: Did you know that there are fifteen different ways to say the word “whore” in Polish?
Me: What a beautiful language…
Bringing home a sharpie
i woke up at 3:48 from a weird dream i wanted to rememember. tried to text myself sketchy details. accidentally sent them to a number one off from mine. help
Don’t ask too many questions here. Curiosity kills the chat.
Snuck a peak at my therapist’s notepad after telling her about my childhood, and it was just dollar signs.
My neighbour won’t make eye contact with me ever since I mistook her for my Uber when she stopped at the mailbox in front of my house
(sitting in back seat, locking eyes with the kid in the child seat) “Huh. I didn’t know drivers could bring their kids”
“No points, illegal kick to the face.”
“But I’m the hero of this movie.”
“Fair enough, here’s your trophy.”
-The Karate Kid
‘You probably need to pee soon, huh?’
~The monster under my bed
Me: [missing for 24hrs]
Wife: huh, wonder where he is
Son: been quiet
Daughter: has he been gone?
Guy Who Owns Liquor Store Down The Street: [bursts in thru front door] OMG IS GRANT OK
The wife and I just got divorced.
We split the house………I got the outside.
A measles outbreak? Weird. You’d think in this day and age, they’d have invented something to protect against that.
What if life on Earth is just a video game for gods, and my guy has the crappy controller?
I thought I found a baby owl today that needed help. He was an adult pigmy owl who let me pick him up then clawed and bit me. He is free now
Maybe everyone can just pee outside from now on so I never have to clean the toilets again, kthanks.
I was gonna complain about THE GODDAMN JACKHAMMERING THAT WOKE ME UP THIS AM
but it’s noon.
If being chased by an alligator be sure to run in a zigzag pattern so he can get in his cardio before ultimately catching and killing you.
two people had sex in the 80s and now I gotta pay bills, hydrate, and hate myself???