I just swallowed a Norton Anti-virus CD. I’m good now.
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-Stop sending me scary scenes from destruction films! What’s wrong with you?
-That was just me cooking us lasagna
-Oh..see you at 9!
-You bet you will
…and for my next trick, I will turn yesterday’s sweatpants into today’s sweatpants.
#NoRestForTheWicked
[in conference room]
Coworker: What time is it?
Me: Time to get a watch, Carl *moonwalks out of room*
7-year-old: Can we leave the house?
Me: We could go for a walk.
7: And then what?
Me: Come back to the house.
7: I’ll just stay here.
I love babies cause they just cry upon waking up and it’s so honest
Me: omg can you PLEASE chew with your mouth closed
Lion eating me: sorry
It’s an indescribable feeling when I’m trying to put my toddler in his car seat in a crowded parking lot and him screaming “HELP”.
[at zoo]
Kids, here we have reptiles. Reptiles are cold-blooded. This means they rely on external heat and often answer texts with just a K.
Asked him his height and he’s been typing for 2 minutes 🤨
Sitting with 7 y/o in garden. “Let’s go outside” he says. He appears to be referring to a dimension I cannot see.
girlfriend: promise you won’t do anything weird
me: ok
[later at the funeral]
me: [to the tune of my sharona] m-m-m-my condolence
me: I heard this cemetery was haunted
caretaker: I’ve worked here 173 years and haven’t seen anything
My 5yo won a toy from the claw machine, so now I’m going to make him buy me a lottery ticket
Family: What do you want to do for Mother’s Day?
All Moms: Not have to decide what we are doing for Mother’s Day, for starters.
I never made it as a firefighter. I thought arsonists were people who hated arson, so every time we met one I thanked him for his support
On my flight today I woke up from a nap & an attendant was walking down the aisle holding a pug, saying “we found this pug. Whose pug is this??” And for 3 hours we all just took turns holding the mystery pug until a verrrry stoned man in the last row woke up & was like “Roscoe?!”
My wife’s job is to announce our exit is two miles away when we pass a big sign that says our exit is two miles away.
she left me for good. what am i suposed to do now?
“…there ar plenty of fish in the sea”
OK DUDE FOR THE LAST TIME IM NOT GONA DATE A FISH
My tween is mad at me and it could be because of any number of horrible things I did this morning: stood in the kitchen, poured coffee, stared out the window, said good morning, breathed…
Love seeing my kids’ faces when we go for ice cream and I order a single scoop of butter pecan. They’re like dang, dad even makes ice cream lame.
Woke up this morning expecting a raging headache. My husband said, “Wanna know why your head doesn’t hurt so bad? Your last several gin and tonics I ordered for you were just water.”
I still cannot believe that we found a crab with these markings at Friday Harbor Labs this summer. We named it “Sad crab” and it now lives happily in a HUUUUUUUGE tank at @MarineBiol_FHL. Sad crab, I stan you.
Wife: can you please rinse your hair off the soap?
Me: that’s not my hair.
Wife: then who’s hair is it?
Me: omg it’s a full moon.
Wife: so?
Me: *whispers* weresoap.
I always carry a pocket knife, because I never know when I’ll need to slice open a pocket.
[Stares deeply into date’s eyes before going to the bathroom]
“I’ve counted these fries.”
Me: i’ve lost 10 pounds in 2 weeks
Friend: Wow! What’s your secret?
Me: be fat first
“Hey Barack”
“yes Joe?”
“I bet T-Rex’s took terrible selfies”
“Ok Joe”
“Because they had…”
“Short arms Joe, yes. I get it. I get it buddy”
HOW TO KEEP YOUR MOM OFF TWITTER
If you tell me your kid is 22 months and I buy it a beer, that’s on you. That is your bad.