Willy Wonka: Welcome to my chocolate factory!
Kid: I love chocolate!
Willy Wonka: It’s death for you. I also make gum!
Next kid: I love gum!
Willy Wonka: Death. Anyone else here love anything?
Next kid: … I like TV?
Willy Wonka: ………… Death.
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Me: Table for one, please.
Waiter: Would you like to see the men–
Me: YES.
[Girlfriend looks at me in disgust]
“Did u just propose using emojis?”
…
“Technically its called a propoji, but yes”
[She’s already gone]
the concept of modeling is insane to me. “buy our clothes. here, check out how they look on someone infinitely more attractive than you, you messy slob”
[couple tossing baby back and forth]
[music stops]
judge: custody granted
dad: [holding baby] AW DAMMIT
First week of my diet I gained 3 pounds. However, I found out if I stand further away from the mirror I look thinner.
The tooth fairy left an ominous note about coming back for the rest of my teeth.
Mimes are known to commit
unspeakable acts.
What I said:
GET IN THE CAR, WE’RE LATE!What my kids hear:
Start looking for a toy that was lost 5 years ago.
Whenever I’m feeling fat, I try not to stress about it and just keep my chins up.
Whenever you ride an elevator with other people, it’s best not to mention your imaginary friends even if someone is standing on Carl.
Him: Do you swallow?
Me: Every time I chew.
The prophecy is fulfilled
My superhero origin story began when I was bitten by a radioactive sofa.
Wearing oven mitts and clicking BBQ tongs:
Ok I’ll look at that rash now.
[First day as a personal chef]
How do you take your poptart?
Updating my resume. Anyone got a more professional word for “dumpster fire?”
🤔🔥📝
[taco bell 2am]
*lethally stoned*
me: “nine cheesy crunchy chupacabras”
this is my favourite piece of literary criticism of all time
Imagine falling for someone then finding out they drink their coffee one spoonful at a time like soup.
My uncle (111 M) gifted me (50 M) a ring before leaving to go travelling. A close family friend (2,019 M) told me to destroy the ring due to problematic associations with the jeweller who made it, but the ring is precious to me and I would feel guilty throwing it away. AITA?
The claw machine proves that it only costs $1 to get mad
Some music just moves you. For example this Taylor Swift song playing on the radio makes me wanna drive off a cliff
one time i matched with a girl on a dating app and her bio said “the first date better be outdoors” so i asked if she wanted to go for a hike and she was like “i meant more like, patio drinks”
MARY: Well, I just had a baby… in a barn. So, thanks to everyone who brought gifts. The gold, the perfumes. All things babies love.
Also the child who inexplicably played drums, like, right in my face.
This…this was great.
[after 47 minutes of listening]
okay usually when someone says “what is wrong with me” it’s rhetorical but thanks for the feedback
Freak your cat out by running in the room, stopping abruptly to lick yourself and then running back out again.
*after 12 tequila shots*
Left eye – It’s PARTY TIME!!
Right eye – I’m beat, I’m going to lie down in the corner
I propose we rename our seasons:
• Blizzard
• Flood
• Oven
• Kinda Nice For A Bit
I’m married, but not “pass up the opportunity to sleep with Thor” married. Or Wolverine. Or Captain America. Or Jennifer Aniston…
*wife offers me a sip of her water*
m: Am I gonna catch what you have?
w: No
m:
w:
m: Are you sur-
w: You’re not going to get my period!