Ya remember when arguing with people on the internet was fun?
Yea. Me nether.
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Having a reputation for being irresponsible gets me out of having to do a lot of stuff.
Hey kids! Make your voice heard this election day by hiding your parents identification! (Not applicable in some states)
I don’t understand why everyone is so passionate about sports; it’s all just bullsh – HEY! YOU! NO! DARTH VADER DOES NOT HAVE A GREEN SABER!
Doctor: How long ago did you injure your shoulder?
Women: 9:45am on Monday at work
Men: Sometime between yesterday and 2002
ME: [googling Why Do I Have A Migraine?]
GOOGLE: You need caffeine. You drink too much caffeine. You need sleep. You sleep too much. You need to eat. Food can cause migraines. The weather changed & you should’ve figured out how to control that. You need to go back in time and-
*Looks left*
*Looks right*
*Crosses road*
*Gets run over by chicken*
Sorry I missed your call earlier, I was sitting in my bed with my phone in my hand watching it ring
There’s a fine line between myth and reality and booze blurs it nicely.
My cause of death will probably be something stupid like, she was running from a swarm of bees and got hit by a dumptruck.
Put the spoiled milk back in the fridge and hope it gets better.
– What I think when I hear someone is getting back together with an ex.
What idiot called it “learning to be patient” and not “gaining wait”?
Someone asked me if a co-worker was going to quit without notice. I correctly said notice isn’t required, employment in our state is ‘at-will.’ I was written up for “spreading rumors.” I worked 1 day into the next month to ensure 30 days more benefits and quit without notice.
I’m not embarrassed.
I order my gingerbread latte LIKE A GOD DAMN MAN.
(I send my wife into Starbucks while I sit shamefully in the car.)
I like my eggs like I like my nose: runny. Wait. That’s not right. I like my eggs like I like my tigers: poached. Huh? No! I like my eggs li
Wearing my lesbian boots today. Well, they’re faux lesbian. I don’t believe in using lesbians for leather, even if they’re farm-raised.
[at daycare]
Me: I’m here to pick up my son
Daycare: what’s he look like?
Me: *points to my face*
D: oh. Ok
Are sharks attracted to or repelled by pickles? I need to pack my beach cooler just right.
[in bed]
BF: Why are you scared?
ME: Cuz your Mom’s here
BF: She’s not bad
*Mom hands me pregnancy test* This better be positive by sunrise
Hey ladies, No Shave November ain’t for you. Just saw some gal lookin’ like she was tryin’ to smuggle a cactus in her yoga pants. Merica.
(First date with a Chinese girl)
Her: So, are you a dog or a cat person?
Me: I’m just gonna have a tandoori chicken…
Optimus Prime: AUTOBOTS, ROLL OUT.
Me: *walks downstairs* where the hell is my toaster and microwave?
Day 137 of telling myself I’ll start working out as soon as my [body part] stops hurting
1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Sandy
4. Hand Jive
5. Ramalamalamadingadadingedong
– Five Stages of Grease
I saw a statue of Cinderella today. I didn’t like it, but I found the plinth charming.
Welcome to procrastinators club. The meeting will start eventually.
Here’s a tip how about designing a Band-Aid that you can open before you bleed out WHAT AN IDEA
“wya?” my limit bro. i’m at my limit
Hi, you’ve reached my voicemail. Why didn’t you text me? I’ll never call you back. Like, ever. You’d have better luck with a telegram.
“it’s my expert opinion we need to remove all your bones”
wait you’re not my doctor
*a bunch of dogs fall out of the lab coat and run away*
Tartar, the sauce so nice they named it twice.