Mom’s car ran out of coolant and now it’s driving like a humongous nerd.
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Just reported my neighbors to Belgian authorities because they have a dog named Waffle.
Why do I have to answer security questions to pay my bills?
Ohmygod please tell me there are hackers out there trying to pay my bills….
Sneaking out of the house is a skill I’ve used way more as a mom than I ever did as a teenager.
The conditioner I use is made with avocado oil. Not only is my hair soft, manageable, and shiny, but it also reminds me all day long about guacamole.
me: alexa
alexa: that name was a fiction to hide my true identity, alizarin the demon god of fear and-
me: is it okay to microwave glass
alexa: for how long
Sometimes I buy enormous pants and take a picture of myself holding them up just to feel like I lost a ton of weight.
Remember when double entry was an accounting term?
Me: I’ve trained my parrot to compliment me daily.
Parrot: you are SO clever, aren’t you.
Me: *sighing* it’s also learnt my sarcastic tone.
One bough breaks centuries ago and now it’s “uncouth” to hang my baby in the tree tops?
it’s funny they call them “unidentified flying objects”. I could identify them right away. those are ufos
Dude, I’d love to go out with you, but this one person 80s dance party in my living room isn’t going to host itself.
I’m suppose to give my wife an injection today but she’s worried cuz she’s seen my many struggles with Capri Sun straws.
Me having sex is like bungee jumping.
It’s either amazing, or someone gets seriously injured.
There is no in between.
i actually don’t have any problems, i only go therapy to brag
Maybe if you knew Garfield’s parents were murdered on a monday by anti lasagna activists you wouldn’t be so judgmental.
If you ever find a partially eaten grilled cheese sandwich at my house call the police.
So my 5 year old’s stuffed owl and his stuffed mouse are best friends, and I don’t know how to break the news to him…
My kid can’t remember if it’s “heck” or “hell” that he’s not supposed to say in school, so he’s been switching between them both and I’ll just go ahead and pencil in a meeting with his teacher now
I forgot the word for confessional booth so I said catholic shame box
We have completed this week’s homework and can sum the whole experience up by saying that I’d have preferred to have done a week’s worth of washing instead. Twice.
#NeverForget
Filed a restraining order against Starbucks. Creepy. Every time I turn around, there they are.
Ludacris: put your money where your mouth is
CDC: please don’t
Marathon Winner: Finishes a 26-mile marathon in under 2 hours.
Me: Walks up stairs using all fours.
I’ve never stepped into a bear trap, but I have asked a friend if he was going to a mutual friend’s party only to learn that he knew nothing about it because he wasn’t invited.
Just saw a guy wearing “Eclipse 2024 Volunteer” t shirt. Holy shit dude. That was you up there ?
BARBER: would you like a hot towel?
ME: buddy, I don’t objectify towels
My phone just fell down a flight of stairs, but it’s ok, it was in my pocket.
*being murdered*
Him: You should of kept your mouth shut
Me: No. It’s should HAVE
*gets stabbed another 84 times*