Me: My eyes are up here
Picasso: I disagree
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Me: If something tragic happens it’s a tragedy, so if something magic happens it’s a “magedy”
Websters: Sir, you have to stop calling
When one door closes, I lock it.
I’m not chancing someone else getting in.
a couple months ago i had a plumber come to my house and he spent the whole time talking about how he was also justin bieber’s plumber and then he broke both of my toilets which begs the question: does justin bieber have working plumbing?
@thefunnytweeter With the way my diet is going, I think I’ll be much more slimmer after this quarantine.
OBGYN : What are you using for birth control?
Me: my personality
I’m white, but not cage free range eggs in my quinoa-kale quiche for my gluten, lactose, and peanut free Sunday brunch white.
“If we get the kids to help us it will go faster!”
– the dumbest thing I’ve ever said
been searching for the right mix of relaxing sounds to help me sleep and i tried nature noises but they ended up freaking me out like one of them had so many frogs. one frog is ok but this was too many frogs. like an army of frogs. who can sleep when there is a war on the bayou
Just want to be bitten by a spider without the obligation of becoming a superhero.
People only fall for me because I give them a swift leg swoop when they least expect it.
38% of being a dad is sitting in a car looking at your watch and waiting for everybody else to come out
[Texting]
Him: Hey babe, what’re you wearing?
Me: *naked pooping* ummm…nothing
Him: That’s hot
Girl i dated had an outside cat who really liked me & one day when i went out for a smoke there was a bird heart placed on the wall where i usually sat. Cat was scoping me to see if i liked my gift so i did that move where you pretend to eat it so she didnt think i was ungrateful
[home late]
Where were you?
“Uh, with my.. gf?”
Gf? Well, tell us about her! What’s her name?
[commercial on tv] uh.. Lisa.. Brandnewtoyota
* Aggressively aggresses your aggressions into aggressivity. *
Mockingbird: I imitate other birds.
Hummingbird: I make a humming noise. What do you do?
Swallow: *Blushes*
“I like to think I trained the toilet. It didn’t teach me anything”
Her: why are u breaking up with me
Me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
This day in history. 1967. Ed Sullivan made the Rolling Stones change the lyric “Let’s spend the night together” to the more family friendly “Let’s go back to my place boink boink boinkity-boink.”
*turns my phone upside down like a tip and strip pen*
Everyone naked?
me texting friend: ooh what happened?!
friend: *sends elaborate voice note *
me to myself: guess I’ll never know
If I can only taste 999 islands I’m sending this dressing back.
[after a zombie encounter]
me: you gotta shoot me
friend: but what if we find a cure
me: *aware of how much zombies walk* please
Because you know I’m all about that data, ‘bout that data. No trouble. I’m all about that data, ‘bout that data. No trouble.
Plumber: I think I found the problem
me: *having prostate examination*
doc: omg, when was this last wiped?
me: WHAT
doc: *pointing to dust on table* i must speak to the cleaning lady
[First date] You didn’t google the menu before you came to the restaurant? This isn’t going to work.
I still cook my turkey the old fashioned way, I let my mom do it.
ME: I lied in my interview.
BOSS: what was the lie?
ME: all lies. except about my aunt.
BOSS: she wants to party with me?
ME: big time.