American: We’re really not that gun-obsessed.
Brit: Where did you get that t-shirt.
American:
Brit:
American: FROM A CANNON BUT THAT’S NOT THE POINT
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People who love dark chocolate are always so snobby about it. Relax. It’s just chocolate, you elitist ninnies.
Psychology says:
People will believe everything written after “psychology says.”
Just because someone smiles a lot doesn’t mean they’re nice. Take alligators for example.
One day I plan on walking into a bar on a foggy night in some small town I’ve never been to before and say “Large Marge sent me.”
This could be the whiskey talking but I don’t think I should be jury foreman.
My single friends are always talking about clubbing and being hit on. Today’s social scene sounds so violent.
A child is like a CD. You enjoy it for a while and then forget it in the car.
I passed my genetic engineering exam with flying koalas.
Doctor: it’s a beautiful baby girl!
Nurse: what’s her name?
Me: well we both love Kit Kats
Nurse: that’s so cute! Kit, or Kat?
Me: meet Wafer
Is ‘Monkey Bread’ for monkeys, made by monkeys or made from monkeys?
Religion: because reading one book is a lot easier than a whole bunch of hard ones.
Hey, guy in Prius blasting heavy metal – decide which type of annoying person you want to be.
I don’t care what the FBI says, America’s most wanted still sounds like an honor.
The vegetable crisper or as I call it, the cold garbage can.
7: Are monsters real Mommy?
Me: Yes, they are. They’re in my office and they “reply all” on emails.
Husband: I’m stopping for a burger. Do you want anything?
Me: No, I’m good.
Husband: Are you sure?
Me: Ok, just a small order of fries…
and if you can a coke…
and a cheeseburger…
Can you also swing by Taco Bell?
Just sayin’ cowboys are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between cows and boys.
I thought I drank my coffee too fast and thought I was hallucinating seeing bugs everywhere but it turns out I did in fact leave a window open and a bunch of ants got in
i put my exercise bike together, no spare parts, i am absolutely drunk on testosterone, i’ll never need another map.
Man, the way these journalists are complaining it’s like they only went to Sochi to use doorknobs and go poop.
Me: you need to do your homework
9: my teacher knows all the answers, why doesn’t she just do it herself
[faulty megaphone]
LISTEN MAN, I {dont} THINK YOU SHOULD DO IT. THERE’S {no} HOPE IF YOU DO.
[bangs megaphone on hand]
JUST {dont} KILL THEM
My mom still hasn’t used the roomba I bought her two years ago for Christmas because, quote, “I don’t want it to judge our house.”
I bet Amelia Earhart is just wandering around in an IKEA somewhere.
“I’m constantly quoting myself. Like right now, for instance.”
I just said that.
[mall]
Me: That guy looks SO familiar!
Wife: …
M: Maybe an actor? Musician?
W: …
M: I’ll get an autograph!
W: He’s our mailman, moron.
MAGICIAN: Think of a number, any number.
ME: *thinks for a bit* …k
MAGICIAN: That is a letter.
ME: omg ur right
*Uses public restroom
**Squats so long walks out with buns of steel
Imagine working hard to buy a home and then, out of nowhere, deciding to let a bunch of tiny idiots live with you rent free. Welcome to parenthood.