Bread:
-Good
-Tasty
-Has not yelled at me
-Is bread
-Can be eaten
-Might sing (unconfirmed)
-Only contains more bread within (confirmed)
-Does not treat me differently just because I am not bread
-Has never attacked me
-Is not something bad like falling over or never eating bread
You Might Also Like
Hi, I’m Angie.
You may remember me from such instances as: Where did all the vodka go? Is ur friend ok? Or: Who’s responsible for this girl?
Me: why do bad things happen to good people?
God: *reveals image of me jerking off to April from Ninja Turtles*
Me: oh
God: *nods solemnly*
“Don’t make eye contact, honey. We don’t want any trouble with them.”
Welcome to parenthood. You never thought you’d want to fight a 5yo, but here we are.
If you are in a relationship and one of you has the better credit score. That is why they call it a significant other
(Sign-if-I-can’t )
Damn boy, are you the black jelly bean?
Because I absentmindedly picked you, and now I regret having you in my mouth.
*creators of the alphabet, exhausted, and near the end*
Whatever, let’s just call this letter…double u.
☺️
Her: You’re always teaching the kids how to use things improperly!
Me [flattens out a piece of lettuce, takes my writing ham out of the tackle box]: Go on…
Every spider has the same powers as Spiderman, yet none of them choose to be superheroes. This is everything you need to know about spiders.
My 5yo made me a zombie card with – what I am told are – a line of zombie GRAVES at the bottom.
GRAVES.
If a lion ever bites off your arm, try to chew some of his hair off before you run away. He deserves to look stupid until it grows back.
He danced with wolves. I’m running with beehives.
Looking for recipe ideas, I’d like to use up this uranium before it goes bad.
ME: I have the blood of my enemies on my face and hands
BF: That’s salsa
[last taco on my plate is visibly shaking]
People are impressed by the guy who arrives in a Ferrari.
But they remember the guy who shows up on a pogo stick.
I’m so thrilled hockey is starting I could nap
I know we have a lot of problems but never forget that about 100 years ago we suddenly made most horses unemployed and someday soon they will have their revenge.
Dance like no ones watching, clean like the cleaning lady is coming tomorrow
Daddy, where do oranges come from?
Well son, when a red and a yellow really love each other…
hitman: clearly you can’t afford my rates so i’m referring you over to my partner
hit or missman: i guarantee that i will either kill the target or get you sent directly to jail
If you cut me off in traffic you better be ready to look in your rearview mirror and see me yelling something you can’t hear.
Do bouncers get paid in toothpicks or are they a part of their uniform, or what exactly is the deal here?
You cowards just love watching the NFL Draft while you’re all too chickenshit to go off and serve in the football yourselves.
I bought some old lady reading glasses as a lark, a laugh, and now my eyes don’t hurt, this isn’t what I wanted
ME: I promise it will be different this time
THE BOOKS I NEVER READ: *throwing the flowers I brought into the compost*
Light as a feather, smorg as a board
Before marriage: Kisses
After marriage: Hisses
Bank employees are called tellers, remember that next time you whisper them secrets.
What if the first tire-swing was left there as a warning to other tires?