The easiest way to find out if a movie is on Netflix is to simply ask yourself “do I want to see it?” If you do, it’s not on Netflix.
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I don’t mind when a waitress says, “Is Pepsi fine?” when I ask for some coke.
But when my drug dealer says it, it’s kind of annoying
I put my phone in airplane mode.
Worst. Transformer. Ever.
If anyone is looking for a nice restaurant that has a great menu and very polite staff, check out the one I went to with my parents and my sister in 2014. Can’t remember what it was called but it had a lovely ambiance and we were all very satisfied with our meals. Recommended 👍
sneaking out of costco with extra samples like
If I fall of this roof cause I’m tweeting, you fuckers have to come and take turns spoon feeding me mash in hospital.
She wears short skirts
I eat pizza
She’s cheer captain
And I’m still eating pizza
Rob somebody at gunpoint today, show the world how serious you are at nicknaming your new friend Robert.
I told her she’s prettier than soup without her knowing how many quality soups I’ve encountered.
Hot people do not eat as many egg sandwiches as I do and I’ve made my peace with that
TEXT FROM WIFE: I bought some plant based cheese
ME: Treese
HER: I hate you
My friend’s band is called Duvet.
It’s a cover band.
“Oh I’m not very good at that game, but sure, I’ll play with you”
You have to kiss a lot of short, black, flamboyant musicians before you can find your Prince.
I think sometimes we as humans ask too much of spandex.
the craziest thing about today’s story where a bear attacked a 12 year old girl jogging in her neighborhood is WHY IS A 12 YEAR OLD JOGGING
I once had a customer complain that her steak “tasted like cow.” I was so confused that I said, “Well, I sure hope so” which caused her husband to burst out laughing. She quickly shot him the death stare and I often wonder where she hid his body.
Since you’re not a dentist and you’re entering my mouth with a pair of pliers, repeat after me: “I swear to pull the tooth, the whole tooth, and nothing but the tooth.”.
my tattoos don’t make me unprofessional, my desire to not work does
Kids…you can be happy about it being the last day of school, but you’ll never be as happy as the teachers.
The glory of fall.
ME: So what’s happening today
NEWS: *incoherent screaming*
I start each day with a green smoothie. Wait, no, the bartender’s saying it’s called a “Mojito.”
[first day as a spelling bee judge]
Me: your word is Sarcasm
Him: can you use it in a sentence please?
Me: no, I’m a spelling bee judge but can’t use a word in a sentence
Galadriel told Frodo only he could destroy the ring. Smokey Bear said only YOU can prevent wildfires. Frodo did his job; did you do yours?
A friend of mine was telling me that his wife thinks he’s too impulsive. I told him, “What does she know, you only met her yesterday.”
I am starving and horny. This cucumber is going in me one way or another.
Kids got tired of fighting in the house and online, so we got a pool.
I hate how, no matter where you move, smoke from the campfire always follows you.
[ I pause upon entering the Sears Optical Department. The smoke watches me from Homewares, pretending to look at a blender ]
I hate when my foot falls asleep and I have to kick a coworker in the face to wake it up.