Unlike my male neighbor. I can water my lawn without standing there with my hands on my hips staring at my sprinklers.
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Aquarius: This week you’re feeling crafty. How many household items can you turn into a shank?
Being a spider has got to be pretty stressful because anything bigger than you is either going to run away screaming or murder you immediately.
Boss: you can’t keep making up new words to try to make yourself sound smarter
Me: I think you’ve intangulated your rememberies to make this seem dramastically worse than it is
Boss: …
If you don’t think Colorado needs a wall then you’ve never met someone from Wyoming
“When you fall in love it burns and you die, right?”
Yes, son. Love is terrible.
“No Mom, I said LAVA.”
Oh. You maybe can survive that one.
*buys a new treat for my dog*
*dog refuses to eat*
Me: *gives it a bite* mmm it’s delicious, try one
What is going on? 😅
He asked if I was flexible so I sent him a pic of my stretch marks
Jesus: “BRAINS!”
*everyone looks scared*
Jesus: “Just kidding! I’m fine, I’m fine.”
If your tweet gets stolen and posted on Facebook…
It’s your own fault for not making it offensive enough!
[Bat symbol lights up Gotham’s sky]
“Gordon needs me, the city needs me.”
[Robin waving flashlight around]
“Oh wow look they need me too.”
me: who’s ur favorite actor
date: meryl-
me: before you answer, did u know air bud and beethoven were played by the same dog
date: holy shit
MUGGER: Hand over your wallet.
MY DAD: No, no, no. You’re holding the knife all wrong. Ugh, just give me that… and, pull up your damn pants.
Rage-folding a planking baby who is refusing to get into their car seat is the original CrossFit
what I say: WE RIDE AT DAWN
what I mean: Let’s meet at noonish for brunch and a nature walk
My neighbor’s cat got into the booth with me when I was testing my teleportation device and now there’s cat hair all over my genes.
The wife & I fought last night. Saying things that can’t be taken back. Like perishable goods. Baby food. DVDs with broken seals. Underwear.
i know what will make the other reindeer like rudolph more – a surprise promotion from the boss on the biggest night of the year
Her: Hi hun.
Atilla: [under breath] I told you not to call me that in front of the men. It might stick.
“Don’t kid yourself.”
—birth control advert
According to commercials, a woman’s primary goal in life is to lock in moisture.
The theory that two stacked beds can’t be converted into two regular beds has been debunked.
5yo: Mom is 47!
Husband: She doesn’t look a day over 40.
Me: I’m 37.
5: *comes in room* hey old lady
Me: *looks around*
5: *looks me in the eye* hey old lady
Me: *packages him up in Amazon box and puts outside for collection*
Everyone keeps asking me if I’m okay, and I think it’s because I keep showing up to places looking like I was hit by a truck.
Cops: Ma’am, put down the knife
Me: It’s murder monday
Cops: That’s not a real thing and also it’s Tuesday
Our family rule is that if the kid’s costume costs more than $50, they have to wear it to school at least four times after Halloween.
[panting, 5 minutes into sex] It’s okay, just go on without me
I knew I’d pissed off Mother Nature when she sent a hurricane to wash my car and then left it on my roof.
[ speed dating ]
Her: Tell me one interesting fact about you.
Me: Well, it was nice meeting you. Have a good evening.